World Travels - A guide on how to.....poop?!
adisoptheworld·@adisop·
0.000 HBDWorld Travels - A guide on how to.....poop?!
<html> <p>Brace yourselves - How to poop in India! </p> <p><br></p> <p>So that oh-so-fantastic train station café I was talking about earlier, yea, I am pretty sure it got me to where I am now. I should have followed my gut - almost literately - and not eaten there. So, I had nothing to eat between that and my arrival in Goa. Not the smartest choice, I know, but I was so tired that it didn't even occur to me that I may have been hungry until the following day. Knowing that most food bourne issues take about 24 hours to manifest themselves, (with exceptions of course) I'm looking at you, Mumbai café!</p> <p><br></p> <p>Brace yourselves kids, this blog entry is about pooping in India! If it is too much for you to handle, and / or you have a weak stomach, I understand. Let me help you find a way out - www.pixar.com - Check out the preview for Finding Dory instead - it looks fantastic!</p> <p><br></p> <p>Better yet, you could check out fellow backpacker and blogger www.nognomenomad.com amazing photography while you're at it!</p> <p><br></p> <p>Alright. For you brave souls who stayed, lets get started. So a squat toilet is basically a hole in the floor with two ribbed tiles parallel to each other on the sides of said hole in the floor. Here is a better image for you.</p> <p><img src="http://www.jithumpa.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Indian-Toilet.jpg" width="800" height="550"/></p> <p>Get it now? Good. So it isn't rocket surgery, and you can probably see how business is done with this. Or so you may think. Using a squat toilet for the first time is awkward and clumsy at best. Much like your first time in the sack, you've probably read about it, talked about it with friends, and hell, maybe in some fashion you've seen it done. But when its just you and that cement bed pan, seething in anger with its methane-charcoal miasma suffocating every breath you take, forcing its way past every nose follicle to choke the back of your throat like a dumpster on fire, you realize the world of surprise you are in for. And once again, just like that good ole' first time, before you even knew what happened, its all over. You pull up your pants, smile a little bit, and realize..wow..you can do this!</p> <p><br></p> <p>The problem is the same as it is with anything else; How to become a pro - or hell, at least proficient at it. With a squat toilet - we'll call it a squatter for short from now on - with a squatter, you have a few options to clear the battle field once the troops are done and that flag of surrender is waving in the distance. The first option is good ole fashioned toilet paper. Easy enough right? Well there are a few problems with this.</p> <p><br></p> <p>May I present, Exhibit A. The toilet systems here were not designed for it - so yes it does dissolve, but more often than not it just clogs the damn thing up making it worse for everyone else. Exhibit B - the next downfall with that is that you need to carry your own - most places will not provide it because of exhibit A. Lastly, we come to exhibit C with the toilet paper debacle - often places traveled heavily by westerners will have a waste bucket next to the toilet asking those who grace the facility with their lovely keister to place any "used waste paper product" in the bin, as to not clog the system up. So now you have a tin bucket in a tin box basking in the sun, stuffed full of curry filled ass wipe. Forget any concert venue or state fair you've been to afraid to use the porta-potty. For the weak minded, it will probably take years of therapy to get past one bus stop Indian squatter ordeal.</p> <p><br></p> <p>Shall I continue? Are you still with me?</p> <p><br></p> <p>So, well, you may be asking yourself, if you don't have any TP and they don't provide any, what do you do? In the small villages in India, its often hard to find even at stores. TP to backpackers away from the cities is like cigarettes being used as prison currency. Need mosquito repellant? How much TP ya got..</p> <p><br></p> <p>Well, lets just go with the old adage - "the left hand is unclean." This is why Indians, or more traditional Indians will only eat with their right hand. Once again, we're on that battlefield of victory, and it is the job of that tiny faucet to your left with the plastic cup below it, often resembling a measuring mixing cup if you've ever baked before - what, with its wide mouth and spout at the end - its that faucet, that cup, and your left hand that stands between you getting on with your day, or hiding in the suffocating box of shame. The sad part is, when you finally make your great escape, usually there is no soap to be found at the sinks. I worry that I may be single handedly keeping the hand sanitizer company in business.</p> <p><br></p> <p><br></p> <p>So the next problem you run into after you finally understand what you have to do, is take utter care in ... cleaning up. So you have to pour water, make a claw with your left hand to start scrubbing, steady the cup with your right, and balance on your feet as to not splash water on your pants or splash too much on your ass. Last thing you want is to walk out of there looking like you just sat in down on the asphalt right after a thunderstorm passed. Also, you have to keep your wits about you - no getting startled now. With 1.2 BILLION people here, odds are, someone close to you will have to fall in line and brave the post, much like you are now. Knocking doesn't seem to be highly regarded here. In fact, its non existent. So if you get that guy that REALLY has to go three minutes after you do who starts ripping at the door like some strung out asshole Florida teenager on Flakka, you're either going to jump in surprise and spill water all over your ass and sissy pants, or he's going to pry that door wide open. Yea. Once that thin piece of aluminum or plastic swings wide, its just the whole world looking in on you - squat over with your eyes bugging out, shit in one hand and tears in the other.</p> <p><br></p> <p>Could there possibly be a happy middle ground? Well, yes, but usually its far away from the battle field. Tucked away at some nice restaurant or at a cheapie hotel that wants to feel a bit more upscale. In these places, you usually find the water hose. Now, you still need to use that left hand as god intended, but at least with this hose, you get to aim and fire when ready. The downside to this is not knowing the temperature and pressure that lurks behind that hair-trigger. The last thing you want is to ram the iceberg that sank the Titanic straight rocketing through a firehouse up to your colon to start a friendly game of Yahtzee. I suppose that wouldn't be nearly as bad as no pressure at all. It never dawned on me what in the seven hells you could do if you didn't have toilet paper OR water at your disposal in that dire time of need. Note to self - check the pressure first. Hmm..I'm glad I wrote this!</p> <p><br></p> <p>All in all you better pray that all soldiers on the front lines are using small arms fire. If anyone were to get all fancy and bring something..explosive..to the table, well then all bets are off. Trying to find the right hover-clearance-to-aim ratio might just be a lesson in futility. So much for escaping that one without a few casualties.</p> <p><br></p> <p>Anyways,</p> <p><br></p> <p>SO...who wants to get some chicken masala?</p> <p><br></p> </html>