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Dressed in my grandma's handwoven silk coat and my favorite purple dress, the above photos were taken 6 years ago on the day I graduated from San Francisco State University.  I was refused at the doors of my own graduation ceremony because I didn't purchase the $200 graduation gown, so I snuck in. They still called my name, so it all worked out!

I don't think the young woman in these photos could've ever dreamt of the life-changing experiences and opportunities that have led her to be where she is now, at the start of 2023.

Earlier today, I attended my friend <a href="http://tonybrasunas.com/">Tony Brasunas'</a> book launch party at an eclectic cafe. He just wrote a book called <a href="https://www.redwhiteandblind.com/"><i>Red, White, and Blind</i></a>, a journalistic exploration of censorship and propaganda in our media systems, and what to do about it. A main takeaway of his book was the importance of a balanced media diet and an expanded media consciousness to navigate the various biases that show up in the news. It was refreshing to have open discussions about topics deemed as controversial, from the covered-up corruption of the 2016 Democratic Primary, to questioning COVID origins, to discussing how media propaganda techniques used in Operation Mockingbird continue to exist today in our media systems. 

At one point, a woman raised her hand, emphatically expressing her feelings of gratitude of "how rare it is that we're all on the same page", how frustrating it is that "the masses don't get it," and if people could just trust their gut more, they "can wake up and join the cause." The old me would've full-heartedly agreed, riding on the coattails of feel-good idealism. Yet instead, the maturing me raised my hand and respectfully reflected on how we might not all be on the same page politically in this room. And that's okay. In fact, it might be a necessary ingredient to develop the media consciousness needed to make sense of the massive challenges we face. 

Any fixed idea or narrative has limits, regardless of how progressive it may be in its values. Having a real sense of how the world works seems to align with the ability to listen to perspectives that challenge our intellectual comfort zone. To explore multiple ways of looking at any given societal issue. In a truly democratic society, the media can support this process by ensuring access to the open flow of information and supporting facilitated public debates. Dissent can open up possibilities for <i>co-creating</i> a more balanced and nuanced narrative of complex issues. This could lead to real solutions and the emergence of parallel societies that are independent from the control regime's game. 

<blockquote>For us to transform as a society, we have to allow ourselves to be transformed as individuals. And for us to be transformed as individuals, we have to allow for the incompleteness of any of our truths and a real forgiveness for the complexity of human beings and what we’re trapped inside of. — Rev. Angel Kyodo Williams
</blockquote>

After my share, I was surprised to hear people clapping. It had me thinking about how I don't give myself much acknowledgment. In fact, what's been living rent free in my head these days is total self-criticism. With my boss training me to potentially take over our <a href="https://www.wanttoknow.info/">nonprofit news information service</a> specializing in major cover-ups and corruption, I've felt the opposite of worthy. Feeling like I lack experience and intellectual prowess, I'll compare myself to people who have skills I don't have, or who've been studying these deeper issues for years. At times, I'll notice ungrounded idealism in my words and thought processes, and I'll beat myself up for days. 

This perceived lack creates anxiety and overcare, blocking my creativity and ability to think well. It's a total negative feedback loop based off of the illusion that I need to be perfect in order to be lovable or effective. This reminds me of what my mentor in graduate school once said: perfectionism will bankrupt you. 

I'm resolving to change my thinking about all of this. Something significant to consider is how rare it is to have a job like this. I have the opportunity to learn and share with others on some of the most challenging subjects that could help liberate society. Extraordinarily so, I have creative license and am being paid a healthy amount to do this. 

In addition, this is a whole different scope of work than my years in the trenches of public education. Yes, I have lots of maturing to do. I will most definitely make mistakes, and will need to work through the resulting learning curves. The good thing is I've never been one who enjoys staying in my comfort zone. Dedicated to personal growth, I'd rather struggle through my own darkness than conform to the status quo or to limiting beliefs that I am outgrowing. So it's time for me to step up. 

I think what I provide is a youthful, socially engaged presence that could be refreshing and greatly needed. I also feel like I carry adequate multimedia skills that can improve how we engage with the online world. Furthermore, I put a heavy emphasis on collaboration and quality interpersonal relations in the workplace, which I believe are vital to the sustainability of an organization. Lastly, I'm a hard worker, and am usually good at receiving feedback and being flexible with my agendas.

In the middle of processing all of these thoughts at the book launch party, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, it was a young woman I mentored when I was working at the high school. We had a sweet moment of connection, and I got to hear what was currently going on in her life. When I asked her what she was doing here, I found out that her parents are family friends with Tony. I am always surprised to see where I encounter people who recognize me from my time at Novato High.  

A few moments later, Tony came up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders. "Amber. That's crazy that you know Olive and her parents. Did you know what they said to me just now? They said you literally changed Olive's life, and that Novato High students still talk about you every single day. Do you know how much you've made a difference in these young people's lives?" 

I drove home feeling humbled and amused. This evening felt like a wink from the universe, an affirmation to relax. To believe in myself and own my shine as best I can.