I have to admit, I have the worst mouth. With an almost one year old, I have to get creative with what I say. I've been coming up with some alternatives for swear words I think are useful. However, if you're in public, people may look at you strange.

Just this morning I said,

>There was a shopping cart full of bats flying around my head while I was walking the dog.

There were a lot of bats, and the funny thing is Kenny didn't even flinch when I said shopping cart.

*Alternatives for the F word*

What the **french toast** is going on in here?
Where the **fireplace grate** are my keys?
Why the **farmer's market** is there a donut in the bread basket?
Where the **Farrah Fawcett** did your dada go?

Granted a lot of the time it's me using whatever I see. I also am not sure if there's such a thing as a fireplace grate. 

*Alternatives for the S word*

There's a lot of **smiley face** in this diaper.
I feel like a **sewer** sandwich.
The dog may have **squirreled** on your boots.
This is complete and total bull **sweaters**.

*Alternatives for the D word*

**Dingle** it why me all the time?
Find your **dragon** fantasy football draft board in a minute
She threw the **dancing** remote again.

There could actually be a dragon fantasy football type game. I'm feeling a hybrid of Game of Thrones trivia and fantasy football. Anyone else? 

I'm also a fan of **melon baller** which is what you often hear when they play movies like Pineapple Express on cable.  So as I go through life parenting this precious thing I don't want yelling the real version of **shopping cart** in a crowded area, she'll probably learn some very incorrect ways to use certain words. 

What are some fun alternatives you use for swearing? 

picture credit - http://www.abc.net.au/cm/lb/7945228/data/swearing-adult-illustration-data.jpg