One year ago, 19th of June 2024, I celebrated my 35th birthday with my family in Germany. First time to do that since 2014. First time I was able to take Lily to Germany. My mom made two vegan cakes of which I ate half of each – I had already gained 6kg from the industrialized vegan convenience food in every supermarket, so those 2kg of cake distributed throughout the day weren’t going to make a difference. Lily was so happy. It was our last day in Germany, at 1am, after 2h of sleep, I carried her to my mom’s car after my brother prepared a last and strongest coffee, and off we went to the airport.


![One of my favorite pictures was taken that day.](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/beelzael/EnoLZx8igonsMdDARfomfMA9oz2BDRbBh3saiVSVXfNYTJjEaRLqDR6DGbZyiwzKoiH.jpg)


It's a good memory. It was the beginning of a good year, the beginning of yet another of those changes that push you a little closer to your true potential. I was still recovering from my burn-out, focused on self-preservation and regeneration, still a little bit lost, but starting to find myself thanks to close friends, family, books and strangers dropping wisdom in a subclause without neither intend nor noticing. But that wasn’t enough. I was recovering, apparently well enough to start the lectures all over again. This time, though, it seems like I was finally allowed to learn through the carrot, not the bob-wired-baseball-bat. Or I had finally learned how to learn that way.

It started with a dream come true. 10 weeks after my birthday, Lily moved in with me. I was so excited, I spent a fortune on a beautiful wooden bed for her (ironically, while I’m writing this, she’s sleeping in her self-built bed on the ground below the bed, an adventure), organized her toys and stuffed animals, put up the pictures and paintings, made it as cozy as possible. But besides finally having her live with me, it was also the prospect of an end to the torment of 16h in the bus down south each way to spend a week with her, not having to organize work around that and everything that comes with that, but at least one school year of stability – a blessing.  Finally being able to really, like for real, know what it’s like to be a full time father, to see all the work that I had put into my self put to the test and raise her every day – nothing compares to that.


![Just finished. That room is so much more alive now.](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/beelzael/EpnDoD8umazcdfF8cdhaQKgGWLtQBRfGVFYg2RDnBErzhcmy796ntXUhoGDCHBwK4zU.jpg)


Reality hit. Hard and beautiful. I think I was well prepared for Lily, well better than my environment. It’s one thing to tell me that I’m a great dad while I’m absent for 10 days every 5 weeks, but a whole different story when I really become a father. New rhythms, new priorities, new schedules. It took a lot of work not to have all my social life break down. To some people I was important enough to put in their part of that work with me, for others it was too much, understandably. It was indeed a drastic change. 

![Circle the 11,023 differences and win a brand new spot at the Museum of Modern Arts!](https://images.hive.blog/0x0/https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/beelzael/Ep5o9gBoc3cxHsmHicZ5r6zTYJmvY4fpS28zwEQHtxwWbkAkzmaDs5MeUytd3GD2wXD.jpg)

Other people arrived, though. Some I somewhat knew before, but really got to know now, while our kids were playing. The bonds with those who stayed strengthened, as always – the more we go through together, the more we can endure. “It takes a village to raise a child” got another dimension. I found my village all other again, though not in the same place.

Lily thrived. It took us some time to get used to each other, then a phase of conflict of values while shifting from her mom’s parenting style to mine. I tried hard to preserve the best of both of us, but time will tell. Lily’s teacher helped a lot in the process, constantly communicating in the critical phase, giving advice and seeking feedback, asking for background information in order to assess and react in the best way possible for Lily. 

![The Waldorf School is a perfect place for her, and for me. We both find support there, friends, community.](https://images.hive.blog/0x0/https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/beelzael/48QuGf3oj2WFghPBawZTMvxcRk62Ub8SaZ1ZN61J5sQ4wc1uyXZGcUVt3zP575tL7v.jpg)

The stability helped Lily, she got into Taekwondo as well, and step by step the structure of fairly fixed limits helped her to find her balance. Fast frustration and tendency to abandon projects turned into curiosity and perseverance, resulting in creation of a parrot costume, all thought out and drawn and sewn and painted by herself over the course of a month (with very little help and a lot of pushing from my side), finishing 2 days early (how German indeed!). She was so proud. “Papa, you were right, the more I practiced sewing, the easier and faster it got.” Yeah, she was proud of herself, for good reason, but me? I was even prouder of her. 

So yes, this year was all about parenting. Everything was secondary to that. My incredible relationship with a woman who admirably was able to work through all those shifts with me. The bakery, which is undergoing a lot of positive change in the last weeks, but has been neglected by me for a whole year. My friends, who were able to adapt or not, but are still cherished no matter what.  Even my family, who I feel closer than ever, but harder to have present in my mind. 


![My girlfriend took that picture (clothes are almost entirely from the company she works at), I was laughing because she made me aware of something very "me", very visible in the picture.](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/beelzael/EqfKEM4gCjCzpoUgvHQZSNEFTbVrQ63PFD5XAPC1APjcvcip4gfKRsbRmWG1JK62L3X.jpg)


I can’t say that I have regrets, though. This year, I really felt like myself. I felt like me making the best possible decisions according to my priorities, my values, consciously. 

*It doesn’t matter what you say, but what you are.*

[Being coherent is a better teacher than being eloquent.](https://peakd.com/hive-126152/@beelzael/daddys-issues) There’s still much work to do on my self, but I have a very curious, insistent, scary smart and brutally honest almost-7-year-old at home that will never cease to make me challenge myself in order to be a better role model for her. 

And she’ll want breakfast now. It’s my birthday, so it’s a special day for both of us, so it’s pancakes for her and strongest coffee for me, which will make both of us happy. She had prepared a gift for me a couple of weeks ago, and she was so eager to give it to me, trying to convince me to open it before the day. And today is finally the day. She’s more excited about me opening her gift to me than I ever saw her being excited for her own presents. We, her mother and I, must be doing something right. It already is a happy birthday for me.