I really enjoyed your response. At first I thought you were replying to a different post because your opening line seemed to have a very similar cadence and structure to the opening line of another poem I posted recently (after reading both poems again, I no longer think that), but as I read on, I realized that you had imagined your own world/poem inside of the two I had posted here. 

I really love what you’ve done with them. I think it’s difficult to pull off rhyming verse that remains interesting and surprising, but you’ve done it very well. The cadence and somber/mysterious tone of your writing remind me a lot of Edgar Allan Poe. 

You should turn this into a post of its own.