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<center>Continuously moving forward with a message of positivity and inspiration has been my attempt to get through my own negativity and for me it is no small feat to achieve. Having the insight to transform what I am feeling or thinking into something constructive has been a great tool to help me get through these last few month’s but it takes a lot of energy out of me, energy I do not really have to spare. </center>

# <center>Where am I going with this?</center>
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<center> I have been extremely focused on what I can do for others so much so that I have forgotten I need to help myself first to be able to help others and continue to bear the weight that these acts of kindness entail. I love the #OneLoveDTube community and everyone involved you all have become my second family and I really appreciate the support given, again **I love the #OneLoveDTube community**. Yet for someone to be able to help others they first must be in a good place, regrettably I am not, I have not been completely open about all that is going on with me and it has affected my ability to fill this role as community a leader. I hope you can understand this is not what I wanted, I hoped to uplift myself through uplifting others and it has been a great experience, know you all have helped me directly or indirectly simply by participating in the #OneLoveDTube community project.</center>

# <center>The Nitty Gritty of @d00k13</center>
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<center> If you have followed me at all then it is pretty obvious or atleast should be that I struggle sometimes for no apparent reason. Just this last week that struggle has reached a climax, a point of decision making, my work pulled me aside with complaints of my behaviour being unacceptable. I was not really aware till that moment how much everything has been weighing on me, sudden epiphany lets say, no I do not mean the #OneLoveDTube community but all the personal trauma’s I have endured in the past 3 years prior to finding my outlet on Steemit. Yes I will continue to Vlog & Blog and move forward with the #OneLoveDTube community but I also need to get myself the help I need to do so.</center>
<center>My work has shown a side that I did not know existed, compassion for someone in need, maybe I had just forgotten. In the meeting I had with them on Tuesday they offered to help me find the resources I need to get through my @d00k13, even offered to help pay for treatment which kind of blows my mind. I was pulled off shift to have this meeting and uhm I completely broke down infront of Kevin(HR) and Richard(Manager) but they were not surprised at all though I was. I have been burying my emotions for a long time but when I bury the negative I also bury some of the positive at the same time which leaves me in a bad state of mind. They allowed me to go home that day with one request of putting a list together so Kevin would be able to identify what he can help me with, as they said they “just want me good again”, then I was to start conversation with Kevin about what steps I need to make moving forward.</center>

<center>When I arrived to work Wednesday I was asked to talk with Kevin before I started work bringing him the list I had put together, again I completely broke down which from his responses he must have expected to some extent. I have admitted to them having suicidal thoughts and on Thursday last week I attempted to reach out through one of my fellow coworkers whom seems to care but I now know he’s not prepared to take on the challenges that my situation involves, not his responsibility anyways I suppose but it reinforced my own feelings of no body caring. Kevin cares though, it may be his job to but I honestly believe he cares for me aswell. Wednesday I did not even start work rather I ended up going to the hospital intending to seek help, find resources, start healing. I went through the process of speaking with the emergency doctor to only receive a number for a service that was already closed by the time I was out of the hospital which left me only with the crisis line. This was ultimately not helpful and left me feeling in a worse place then when I arrived.</center>

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<center>I have been communicating with Kevin every step of the way, so when I left the hospital with no real progress being made he informed me that Richard did not expect me into work the next day either. At first I felt like I was being forced out of work but Kevin keeps reinforcing the fact the job is waiting for me whenever I choose to return, I am not being fired, they are willing to invest in me some time and money to see me get back to where I should be. I tried to relax the rest of that day and continue the pursuit of happiness the next day.</center>

<center>Thursday was an extremely exhausting day but I found a light in the darkness. I started the day off by continuing my tests, blood work and breathe test, then seeing the doctor at the walk in clinic. Afterwhich I started to call around and see if I could get in anywhere to see a professional. Six or so phone calls later and a lot of talking with Kevin about further resources I was finding nothing immediately available for me rather I was being told that since I am not a direct threat to myself or anyone else I would have to wait 6-8 weeks. I am a do it now kind of guy, if I wait that long I will have lost my nerve to continue facing this battle head on. By the 4th time explaining my situation in tears that day I was loosing hope and starting to think really irrationally such as “if I just lay in the road they will have to take me seriously” knowing from past experiences the only authority that will trump all others is the RCMP. I felt like the day was passing and nothing was progressing other then my own anxiety over the situation so when I drove past an establishment that I had yet to be referred to I decided “I am going to go in and sit down till they either see me or they have to call the RCMP to get me out of there” still kind of irrational but it was a lot better option then actually endangering my own life while still making the point **I NEED HELP**.</center>

<center>I was welcomed for the first time, it seem this is one of those times when fate happened to work out that I walked into one of the only places around which was walk-in oriented. Natasha the induction counseler saw me within minutes of my arrival though I did say to the receptionist that “I would not leave till being seen” not knowing they have a welcoming walk-in policy. So I let it all out, she was very kind and very insightful, suggested I take time away from work identifying one of my triggers is actually my place of work. She said it seems that my brain has linked the time of my trauma to the place I was when it all happened which sadly has always been work. Natasha also suggested I take time away from work so I can start addressing these issues, my only hesitation is that I cannot afford to be off work for any extended amount of time but I have taken her suggestion and rolled with it.</center>

<center>I went back to the clinic and Melissa the receptionist managed to squeeze me in at the end of the day, The doctor agreed to see me even though it was a second visit of the day and she would not be paid for her time with me. It was actually comical Melissa was down the hall just out of sight of other patients waving to get my attention and mouthed “get over here” waving me to the open room, I think she knew I was in a rough place having seen me everyday this last week. I asked about taking time off work, the doctor asked me in return how much time do I need? Again mind blown, it’s upto me? We decided to start with 2 weeks and hopefully I can start getting regular treatment before then but she also said that if not we could extend it pretty well as long as I need. This alone was a huge weight off my shoulders, till this point I was starting to fear going back to work that much more with the thought “work needs me good again” and I didn’t feel like I could promise that to any extent.</center>

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# <center>What All I Need to Get Through</center>
- Trauma, from loss of loved ones and the responsibility I unjustly hold
- Depression, the thoughts of overwhelming negativity that seemingly trump all others
- Physical, dramatic weight loss over the last several months(reason for testing)
- Chiropractic, injured my shoulder which is still sore usually I would just work through it

<center>As the clinic doctor’s look told me when wondering where to start “I am a mess”, I even said it to her and her smile agreed, she said the most concerning part is my mental state as my blood tests have all come back clean so far. Waiting till Monday to see her again with results of my last tests and a action plan for further testing I would imagine.</center>

# <center>Two Weeks Off</center>
<center>I am not certain time off is right for me, what am I going to do with myself? I need to make sure I do not waist this opportunity certainly I know that! I suppose it is doctors orders yet I hate being unreliable for work, I need to be good again for my own sake. I will be spending a lot of time trying to link all the different resources I can together, I have already started the ball by walking into the first place but I am still on a waiting list to be taken on by a specific professional for a longer term treatment plan. This may possibly go down the pharmaceutical route but I have been clear from the start that is not my ideal plan but I don’t really have a plan so I’ll see what they have to say.</center>

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# <center>Intake Session</center>
<center>I am not certain how much I will disclose about all my sessions it is pretty private things to talk about, in previous I have tried to discuss these things in blog format even recorded a vlog or two trying to get some sort of message out to the world. Yet I now see that these are things I am doing just for me, basically their creation is what helps me and I am trying to share my therapy with others yet it really is only therapeutic if your living the events talked about. In other word the details I am trying to work through do not help any message I am trying to push. I will say this, Natasha at the counseling centre has enlightened me on a few things. </center>

<center>**One**, I should keep vlogging and blogging as long I find it a useful outlet. This has and I believe will continue to be a great tool for me to work through my thoughts as I have them. Putting the things I feel and think down for future review has been a great tool for reflection and realizing how often my mind will shift from positive to negative and back again. Identifying the problems is ultimately the first step to knowing a solution or developing a coping mechanism so my works will also possibly give something for the professionals to gain insight from.</center>

<center>**Two**, I need to make appropriate changes in my online activities possibly try focus less on meaning and a message move towards just having fun, my best vlog is my SkipTheDishes comedy skit. Also I need to refocus so I no longer feel I bear the weight of the #OneLoveDTube community. You guys are not a burden on me but I have not been utilizing the nature of a community, I cannot keep saying “we will get there together” if  I do not allow “we” to strike a path together. This is no fault of anyone but my own, I have neglected to assign roles fallen behind on many different things while taking on so many projects I cannot focus on any single direction and continue creating a full  vision of #OneLoveDTube. Don’t be surprised if I start reaching out more for help, contributions, advice and don’t be surprised if I start appointing people whom can fill roles of our community that are despritally needed such as @ambassador to which I have yet appoint anyone since our previous stepped down. I have big plans and I will need help to execute them!</center>

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<center>**Three**, my Jerry is probably the most influential support tool I have readily available to me. Have you ever noticed how when your down or over excited your animal will feed off of your energy. Natasha suggested I research how to use Jerry as a therapy dog, activities that are particularity therapeutic. It is obvious to me now that had he been trained from the get go for therapy he would be a perfect fit, he is very keen on the goings on of people, very alert to emotional changes and will naturally try to console those suffering. Jerry connected very strongly with both Tristan and Ryan two of the people I have lost whom were suffering, it was always good to see them smile when Jerry would greet them. He does the same for me, never a dull moment with Jerry around so who knows maybe ill try include him more into my creative works.</center>

# <center>Sounds Like a Sob Story</center>
<center>Just to be clear in no way am I asking for sympathy or forgiveness, I am however asking for understanding and Instruction. Understanding in the fact that I am not perfect. Understanding for not realizing earlier how to help others benefit most. Understanding that I realize I may have alienated many people along the way. Instruction in direction. Instruction in where to best apply myself. Instruction in future events so to not make any further mis steps.</center>

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<center>Moving forward with my life there are going to be some things that need to change, all that will entail I am still uncertain myself. Will I go back to work? Will I be comfortable there? When? ..... I have a lot of things to ask myself but I know one thing for sure **I need to be good again** not just for work but for myself!</center>

<center>***That’s it @d00k13 Out!!!***</center>