#### <center>I woke up determined to take back control of my thoughts. There's nothing worse than having no control over something that's controlling you. The last few weeks could be turned into a tragic comedy, but I'm not laughing.</center>

<center>Somehow I seem to constantly invite chaos into my life. I don't consciously mean to, but I can't get through more than 2 days with out having something chucked at me that would normally take a week to deal with alone. I'm not being a martyr,  I swear. Em has told me many times how ridiculous it can be to watch my life from the outside. I know I'm a complicated character and accept both the good and the bad that comes with that but I do try flipping hard, not a day goes by where I don't consciously acknowledge something I could have done better or a way in which I could grow as a human and it's exhausting and demoralising when my efforts seem only to invite more challenges. **Anyway, I was fed up with feeling down so I started the new week with a new attitude.** I buried my head in admin, which when completed is always satisfying, went to the house, visited my horse, took the dogs for a little run and made notes for the week. At the end of the day I felt good, I had thought about you know who less than I had in a week and was ready for a quiet evening at home when my phone buzzed with a message from him inviting me to join him in town.</center>
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![confusion.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmadGfL1FWXEzZp9hr1nnthLYqEKZSBQjnYpMtYNF2V6C4/confusion.jpg)
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#### <center>My initial reaction was to sulk and not go but I quickly realised I would be doing exactly what he'd been doing and hiding in my shell, just under a different pretence. If I wanted answers, I had to go.</center>

<center>I called Em and ruined her quiet night at home too, there was no way I was going to be able to face this alone. I needed her there to make sure I didn't slip up and be too nice or too frosty. We got ready, downed a vodka and jumped in an Uber. By the time we arrived my tummy was in knots worrying about what was about to unfold. I saw him but pretended not to and went straight to the bar instead, the next thing I knew there was an arm around me and he was looking down at me with a huge, coy smile on his face. It was immediately apparent that he was going to be like putty in my hands and that he was awkwardly embarrassed about how the last week had played out.</center>

#### <center>For the next hour all I heard was how much he'd missed me and how much it had broken his heart to ignore me. At this point I laughed and told him he was the strangest human I had ever met, it broke *his* heart not to reply to me, have you bloody ever?</center>

<center>I didn't want to talk about it in public and said so many times while he tried to explain why he'd been so overwhelmed and how scared he'd been of the feelings he had for me. Eventually Em intervened and took him to one side to have a chat while I drank my drink and took a few deep breaths. He told her he was in love with me but that he was scared and old fashioned and couldn't just jump from one relationship into another, she pointed out he was the one who had made things intense so quickly and that all he had to do was send 3 little words, "I need time" "I need space" "I am overwhelmed" which would've made all the difference. By the time they came back he was even more like a love sick puppy than he'd been when I arrived and I either had to go with it or literally brush him off as couldn't keep his hands off me. I gave in and although I rolled my eyes at him every time he looked at me and told me how much he'd missed me, I went with it and we had an amazing night.</center>
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<center>![sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmTnkMETUweJmm7cyPR9rcGAoqSUWCoPo3mMPfwAUUVkNG/sometimes%20the%20hardest%20thing%20and%20the%20right%20thing%20are%20the%20same%20thing.jpg)</center>
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#### <center>At the end of it I ignored his constant nagging for us to stay at his flat - I wasn't going to give in totally till we'd had a proper chat - and we went home.</center>

<center>I'm not going to pretend it's not easier than being ignored but it's still far from perfect. I can't put myself in a position where my feelings can be totally put to one side in lieu of someone else's whenever it suits them. But there's no denying that he cares about me, I'm just not sure if he's equipped to deal with the depth of his feelings or if I will ever be anything more than collateral damage along his path.</center> 

#### <center>We'll just have to wait and see but in the meantime I'm going to do my best to keep my guard firmly up!</center>
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#### <center>Love,</center>
#### <center>Daisy xx</center>
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<center>🌸 **If you enjoyed this post please vote, comment & resteem - it is much appreciated, as always. For more, follow me @daisyd** 🌸</center>