WHAT IT'S LIKE TO RUiN AN EMPIRE: DIARY OF A SITH LORD - STORMTROOPER PERFORMANCE REVIEWS

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I made it through another day of work. But it wasn't easy. Today I had to do quarterly performance reviews for some low level employees. Normally I let my underlings handle these things but every once in a while I like to show my employees that I'm a man of the people and I really care about them (when I'm not sending them into certain death or force choking their stupid asses).

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So I call in a few of the stormtroopers. I don't even know their names. They all look alike. I'll just call them idiot 1 -8. We had a pretty big mess up at the company recently.

These idiots think they will score some brownie points by bringing me examples of their work from that incident. Oh yeah, brilliant! Remind me of what screw ups you are. 

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That is not going to impress me. You know what would impress me? NOT MESSING UP!

It was actually a pretty simple task on the day in question. Let a couple of escapees get away while you smoke the other ones. See no big deal. We have thousands of highly trained troops and they had a farm boy, a princess, a smuggler and a giant rug.

All they were missing was a scarecrow and cowardly lion. No problem right? For crying out loud one of them was like 8 feet tall. You'd think these idiots could have at least hit that thing. 

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Anyhow the idiots showed me their video. I watched it. "Oh good for you!", I yelled as I gave them a nice John Hughes slow clap. 

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"Let's break this down", I continued. "There were 4 of them and 8 of you. They turned a corner, saw all of you, screamed, pointed one gun at you... and you wussies all ran away, except for the one especially inept piece of shit who managed to get shot... WITHOUT EVER FIRING HIS BLASTER! Then two of them chased you. Let me say that one more time. Two of those wussies chased 7 of you. When you finally figured out that you had them drastically outnumbered you found a dead end and set a trap. That's actually good. What does that say about you?" 

They started to respond "It says we are smart and..."
"No one cares!", I bellowed. "Because once you set this elaborate trap, as soon as the rug and the comic relief sprung it, the seven of you proceeded to fire from 3 feet away... AND MISS! And then you chased them and continued to miss around 95 times!"

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Then I addressed the other four, "You had the impossible task of chasing an untrained farm boy and a pretty, pretty princess. When you weren't busy missing them with your blasterers, you actually did a nice job of leading them to an unextended bridge behind a door that can't lock. Kudos to you. The whiny farm boy then proceeded to blow up the controls for the bridge. Perfect!"

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I continued, "I can even overlook the fact that as they ran up the ramp and stood their with their backs turned for a couple of seconds, you couldn't manage to blast them even a tiny bit. You missed them every time. But no worries, they were trapped. And you had 3 other troopers across form them. These bucket heads even had the advantage of higher ground... and again the kids turned their backs. Pretty simple. Quietly aim and fire. Then 'pew pew' rock-a-bye bitches! But no. They missed as well."

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I resumed the review by saying, "Not only did they miss, a couple of them got shot. And still you had these two clowns right where you wanted them. You got the door open and a foot and laid on your stomachs. Their feet were like 8 inches away from yoy. Just shoot them in the feet. But nooooo you missed again." 

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"Somehow, you allowed them ample time to find and perfectly throw a grappling hook (by the way, why the hell are grappling hooks standard issue for you belts?) so they could swing away. Oh but before they swung, you let them practically make out. You gave them time to kiss! Well allow me to let you in on a little secret. They are brother and sister you sickos!" 

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I addressed them once more, "That's ok. I'm a forgiving guy. There were still many opportunities to waste 2 or 3 of them. While we are at this, I overheard you idiots communicating. After 5 minutes of chasing them, you twits said 'I think they split up.' 'I think they split up?' No hey they split up, you were just chasing them on two different floors!"
 
 
 
 
 
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"Ok back to the other opportunity. We all knew where they were headed. There was only one ship in the hanger. Just wait for them and shoot them in the face! Is that so hard.? Well some of you did and actually guarded the ship. And then you got all ADD and wandered off to see me do what I do EVERY DAY. I am constantly killing people. You have all seen it. 

There was nothing particularly exciting about this fight with that crusty old man. Oh and by the way, did you see me? Of course you saw me because you were too busy gawking to do your jobs! Anyway I killed mine. I cut him down and turned him to nothing. After I was done turning his ass to nothing, I stamped my foot on his clothes like there were icky little bugs on them. See that is how you do it. If there's a looser in front of you, smoke him. Simple."

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"I even killed him fast enough to give you guys another chance to shoot at least one of those loosers. But no."

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"To be fair, there were only about 30 of you and you were about 20 feet away. It's understandable."

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There was nothing left to be said. It was time for the official review. I recently attended a management workshop so I figured I'd try out something I learned there. 

The presenter said that during a review, a nice trick to pull is to have the subordinate review themselves. That way if they are remotely close, you don't have to do shit. 

You can just say "I agree" sign a data pad and send that schmuck on his merry way. So I tried it. I gave each of them a data pad and asked them to rank their performance on a scale of 1-10. They wisely followed my directive and handed the data pads back to me. 

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Every single one of those them gave themselves an 8. **An 8!**

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"NOOOOOOOOOO!", I yelled as I used the force to twist their incompetent, puny bodies into a giant ball of plasteel. 

So now I have a humungous white globe (that looks a lot like a wampa testicle) sitting in my office. I figure I'll tell people that it's some kind of super hip and creative modern art sculpture. I'll call it "What happens to dipshits who can't shoot".

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Wampa testicle. That' funny.

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