I have been deeply unsettled for the last few days. Creating boundaries is no small task, especially for the abused. My experience is that I don't deserve boundaries. I have been explicitly taught that my feelings and need for space are invalid or wrong. The person I have been cutting ties to has repeatedly said the same.

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Every time I set up a boundary, they knocked it down. It became the deciding factor to quit speaking to them altogether. So I finished our project and excused myself. But they are persistent, trying to warp the boundary I created so it only applies to certain areas of our relationship. I will not respond.

It is hard to cut off ties, especially as I'm in the business of compassion. I worry what stories others will create when they see my silence. It is visible. It will stay visible. Even though I don't feel angry anymore. This is not a living concern in my heart. This broken relationship, it is fading already and I am moving on even though I know they will lash back again and again for months at the least. It took two days almost for the latest attempt to draw me in. 

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It is important to forgive. I am able to forgive the past and present transgressions because I understand the complexities of this individual's thinking. I can't, however, do as this person suggested and allow a friendship to continue. Why? Because they are not safe and they will continue to harm me if I don't establish the strong boundary. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Forgiveness is an act of compassionate understanding that is primarily for yourself, not the other party. Sometimes it can safely be extended to the other party. 

In this case (before cutting off contact), I told the individual I forgave them, but stated that forgiveness does not equate trust. They were insistent that if you have forgive, you can then trust. Wrong.

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But also right. 

What I learned is that trust can be reapplied. I trust this person to hurt me again if I allow it. I trust them to continue using abusive tactics to get me to "love" them because they can't stand that I don't. I trusted them to keep my heart safe. They didn't. I now trust them to harm me. Why? Because that is what they taught me about themself. 

I can forgive them, but forgiveness does not change reality. I choose to let go of the pain, but proceed with caution in recognition of my own needs and safety.

*Images via pixabay.com*