# <center> *Climbing Out From The Swirling Vortex Of Despair* </center>




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So, I was on the verge of one of my patented massive panic attacks the other day.


I was just minding my own business going about my day when I was struck by a  familiar, overwhelming feeling of being alone.
I don't mean a microcosmic feeling of loneliness or feeling like I don't have anyone in my life.
It's more of an existential macrocosmic dread of feeling absolutely alone in the universe.

*Isolated, stranded, disconnected....trapped?*

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It's not the first time I've felt that way.
It usually happens during restless nights of insomnia when I'm still up at 4 AM and everything is so disturbingly quiet.

Sometimes it even happens when I'm surrounded by loved ones.
I call it the "*alone in a crowd feeling*."

Of course, it's irrational.
It makes absolutely no sense.
But the feeling is so intense when it happens that it crushes all logic.

Maybe it's a moment of truly feeling that we are all connected as **one** in the universe.
And, as they say......

 **One** is the loneliest number.



![U5dtkxR5jWuo6F4m19MqyPyx9i8HjVp_1680x8400.png](https://steemitimages.com/DQmb4NbBA7YyyWdwVXXRbDc12iJQsV1WeGeZCztzECYicKo/U5dtkxR5jWuo6F4m19MqyPyx9i8HjVp_1680x8400.png)

So it happened again the other day......

*The darkness envelops me in its smothering embrace and I'm sinking in quicksand.
Stuck in an infinite loop of an obsessive thought that becomes my reality.
When it happens, I can't remember ever feeling another way.
The swirling vortex of fear begins and I can feel it pulling me downward.
The panic attack is winding up and ready to explode.*

![](https://i.imgur.com/SLIpua2.png)


I glanced at my phone and saw a DM from @clayboyn.
I told him what was happening and what he said slapped the fear right out of me.

**"It's just a feeling, and it doesn't have to mean anything you don't want it to mean."**

Throughout my Cognitive Behavioral Journey,​ I've learned that I have a couple of automatic *Thought Traps* that lead to massive anxiety and/or panic attacks.

They are so ingrained within​ me that I often forget they exist.
They happen as easily as breathing, and trying to challenge them can be as uncomfortable as trying not to breathe.

My mind's 2 favorite thought traps are *All or Nothing Thinking* and *Magnification or Catastrophising*.

So, a thought that leads me to feel alone in the world defies all logic and becomes a permanent​ catastrophic reality from which there is no escape.

@clayboyn's statement brought me back to the true reality which is that I don't have to be a victim of my thoughts and feelings.

*They don't control me.
They are not me.*

Dark/negative feelings exist in contrast to feelings of positivity and light.

Darkness is not permanent just as joy is not permanent.
Both just simply exist.

This is how I challenged my negative *Thought Traps*, kicked them in their stupid face, and climbed out of the swirling vortex of despair that I had created.



![](https://i.imgur.com/Ddc67oy.jpg)