![Webp.net-gifmaker.gif](https://steemitimages.com/DQmToTEb5w3ey25USUv6eYmmtgabb6pf5jAfgwwfAYEGBLU/Webp.net-gifmaker.gif)


**Preliminary Reaction:**

“Speechless” isn’t really in my wheelhouse, but the first time I saw one of these ads, I legitimately lacked words (hysterical laughter isn’t *technically* language).

My first coherent thought—once I picked myself up off the floor—was that the advertisers who created these were sneakily telling their target market to go do the same thing that I got written up for telling Allie Duncan to do in the 10th grade. Then I reminded myself that the objects in the ad couldn’t be what they so strongly resembled. Just…the chances of that sort of photo existing in the first place were obviously minute, and if it *did* exist, it certainly wouldn’t be allowed on any site owned by a non-serial killer.

But what were they, then, and more importantly, *why* were they?

My second glance suggested they were part of an internal—as opposed to external—organ of some sort or, possibly, were a litter of new-born, hairless puppies.

I really, really wanted it to be puppies. But no, there were no heads (as such), no ears, and no cute little waggily tails to suggest puppies. Also, they all glistened moistly.

Puppies, as a rule, do not glisten moistly.

This was not the case with my first two guesses. Quickly, despairingly, I ruled out the “internal organ” option, too. I just didn’t see how individual units like those in the picture could form any sort of cohesive whole. This left me with only one thing it could possibly be. I put off searching for the original image. I was apprehensive about what sort of site it would lead me to, and about the kinds of questions it would cause the cops to ask me when they inevitably came to investigate.

Then I saw the second picture. And the third, and the fourth.

I had to know, no matter the price.

I inhaled deeply, and took the plunge.

**What it actually is:**

Did you know that there is such a thing as a penis fish? Did you also know that relief can be so powerful that you feel light-headed? I found out both of these facts simultaneously.

The penis fish existing was big news to me—and probably to everyone else in the world who isn’t a nine-year-old boy or a fan of traditional East Asian cuisine. Actually a type of spoon worm, the penis fish ([*Urechis unicinctus*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urechis_unicinctus)) lives in sand burrows in shallow Atlantic waters. It is also known as the Fat Innkeeper Worm, given the fact that its burrows are often inhabited by other sea life, as well as because it’s fat.

In hindsight, there was really nothing else it could possibly have been.

**What it will actually do:**

The penis fish for sure won’t bankrupt the “Diabetes Industry,” but it does apparently taste delicious both stir-fried and raw. Also, a penis fish decal for your car will send a much stronger message to the world than either your Jesus fish or your Darwin fish one currently does. It shows that you are secure enough in yourself to risk offending *everyone* simultaneously, not just a specific segment of the population. This is a worthy goal, and I applaud you.

Go forth in the light of the penis fish and do your thing.

 

*Image Sources*

[Image 1](http://www.hap-ki-do.co.uk/Articles/Korea_day6.htm) | [Image 2](http://www.yourepeat.com/watch/?v=MhfVkhp9BW4) | [Image 3](http://fansculinary.com/gaebul-typical-korean-weird-food.html) | [Image 4](https://cocobusan.wordpress.com/2010/05/20/of-shells-and-ships/)