**Life has been hard lately**

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So I have been laid off twice in the last year and I kept my head high, I rolled with the punches and pivoted into new positions resetting the depression clock. This last couple of months I have dealt with death in my family, starting a new business, moving into a new house, being offered a job half way across the country, my music career going up and down and a lack of friends to lean on. 

The strange thing is that I have been depressed in the best moments of all of this, which is totally out of character for me. I used to tell people depression was something they chose to go through, and that your mental attitude and outlook on life sets the tone for your experiences. I have found my own advice to be incorrect recently and I wish I could offer an apology to all those that expressed their frustration with their emotions and I didn't take them seriously. 

I have found myself getting into positive situations and walking away still contemplating whether or not I enjoy life anymore. To back up a second, I have all kinds of things I could be happy about.

- I'm a great musician and seem to do well with it.
-  I have high self-esteem and think highly of myself and feel that I have a purpose.
-  I have a ton of interests to keep me busy and my mind in the right place, like video games, music, diy projects, my fiance.
-  I just moved into a beautiful house and can afford to pay my bills
-  I have started my own company and everything seems to be working in my favor.

So why do I still feel depressed?

I guess theres no real explination for it, it has to be a chemical reaction to things I eat, how much sleep I get, how supportive people are around me reducing stress levels, and what I think about throughout the day. 

If this is the case I feel like my depression should be easy to solve without the need for pills or therapy. I don't really have a lot of people to talk to that would actually take interest in a grown man having emotional issues. 

So why does it work this way? Why in America in 2017 is there such a stigma behind men discussing their problems and being taken seriously. It's the only thing that holds me back from being open about what I go through, my friends probably don't want to hear it and society reaffirms that. 

Over the next week I will be changing what I eat, when I sleep, and what I feed my mind everyday in a effort to make change. I will document it next week and we will see if I can control happiness.

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