How I worked on my mental health as a teenager. (Not recommended)

This is something that I haven't shared with anyone but my wife because I considered it embarrassing and weird. But to be perfectly honest I don't really care anymore about being embarrassed by the past. It's made me who I am today and I wouldn't change any experience, "good" or "bad", and risk what I have today.

My story will also probably give a deeper understanding to my story/collection/art on Foundation.


![Dream phase_2 sold.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmUKccF3j4emyzWNd2TN876GY8EoDdynqCymuP8qA8enF5/Dream%20phase_2%20sold.jpg)
https://foundation.app/@kieranstone

Here we go...

I was at high school one day walking along the outside concrete yard towards some stairs that led down to the sports oval. When I reached the stairs to take a step down, I became weightless and began floating in the air. I had no control over this. The ground was getting further and further away and I started to panic. I wasn't flying, I was falling upwards. My reality no longer made sense. Fear gripped me like a vice.

My eyes squeezed shut.

I could feel myself inside my mind. A series of stone tunnels took shape and I started to travel down them as if on a runaway mine cart. But I had some control of which paths to take. Left and right I hurtled through these tunnels following a distant instinct. After a time I came to a large rocky cavern. Inside the cavern was a word constructed out of rough stone for each letter. The was "_INSANE_". Using the control I felt I had, I willed the letters "I" and "N" to crumble to the ground. Satisfied with the result I felt the cavern and continued through the tunnels until I reached another. Inside this cavern was the same word "_INSANE_" grown from giant trees. I chopped down the first two letters. Then onto another cavern with the word shaped by falling water. I stopped the flow for the letters "I" and "N".

A calmness came over me and I opened eyes. I was lying face down on my bed in my room. To this day I don't remember laying down or what I was doing before hand. The memory of falling upwards still carried the sense of panic and inability to distinguish fantasy from reality. As far as my mind was concerned the entire experience was _real_.

​I would go on to experiment with the tunnels and caverns in my mind when I wanted to alter a my mental state. During times of sadness when it felt like nothing could make me feel better. I would close my mind and search for the right words. I would find caverns with the word "_UNHAPPY_" and destroy the first two letters. Always upon opening my eyes a smile would appear on my face and I felt ready to carry on with my day. 

After doing this many times with the tunnels and caverns, it became tedious. So I created switches. I could simply flick a switch when I needed to change my undesirable mood. Easy. From sad to happy, angry to calm. I had complete control over my emotions. Except for some anxiety attacks that were creeping into my nights as I tried to sleep. These still affect me to this day but I learnt to keep them under control. A post for another day.


![Creative destiny.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmSFMuV2ddtby42KX45PDzh8MScWdqywcYPSUojjXQkokF/Creative%20destiny.jpg)


The emotional switches I had created were working fine for a time. Until they started to affect others. I had used these switches so much that they became a reflex. They were no longer a choice but just something my mind did when I hit a certain emotional threshold. Inevitable arguments and the ups and downs of a developing relationship are a healthy way to grow a connection with someone. In the earlier stages of my relationship with my wife, we would have these times which we all go through. One or both of us would be crying for one reason or another and then I would just stop and be completely fine. No sadness, no anger, no negative emotion of any kind. A serene smile on my face I was just good and happy. This was not the way to build a healthy relationship. I wouldn't work through anything, I'd just turn off negative emotions. At first of course it seemed like a good thing. But, I wasn't experiencing life as I needed to. 

I then went through a period of removing the reflex reaction and the switches altogether. I needed to feel the "negative" side of life as much as the "positive". It was healthy to focus on those emotions and learn from them rather than shut them out. The control over my mind that I experimented with had helped me with this focus on learning. The emotions, good or bad, became signals in my head similar to physical feelings of hot and cold, or even pain. They were ways of understanding the outside world and social interactions. I let myself feel the emotions but not control my actions. 

As I said at the start, I don't recommend a similar path to working on your mental health. This was a bush bashing way to stubble along a path that works for me. The only advice I have from my experiences is to treat your emotions like physical pain and damage. If you get a cut and start bleeding, waving it around in peoples faces won't help. Hiding in a room and watching it bleed uncontrollably _definitely_ won't help. If you can learn basic medical training you can treat it yourself with a bandage or bandaid, if this doesn't work then seeking professional help is necessary. The same is true for your emotional state. Learning how to calm yourself down and approach situations rationally and logically will help you heal most of the time. Sometimes you may need a friend or professional to help things heal. And it takes _time_. Learn to be comfortable with your own mind and set a baseline of your thoughts and emotional state. Anything outside of this baseline is something that may need attention. 

I would love to hear your thoughts on this experience and any experiences of your own regarding exercising your mental health. Please comment below!

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<a href="https://hive.blog/introduceyourself/@kieranstone/new-australian-discovers-steemit" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Intro Post</a>
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