<h1> How the Pulse shooting devastated me in a way no other mass-shooting had done before. </h1>

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But I was never struck intensely to the point of sobbing. I actually felt worried because of that. I would see people weeping and mourning and I just felt vaguely sad but still rather detached. I would usually be able to go about my day pretty normally after hearing news of such an even and would completely forget it happened within a week. The pulse shooting was different.

*I am not completely sure why this one hit me so hard but I have a few theories.*

* <b>It happened in my home town.</b>

One is rather obvious, it's my home town. Okay, I wasn't born here but I came here at 15 and I am 28 now and have lived here longer than any other state. My friends are here, those I consider family are here, and most of my memories took place here. I also have been to pulse a few times. (I don't club in general but when I do, it's a gay club preferably)  So, there's that, the simple fact that it hit very close to home. I live just 15 minutes away from pulse and that was jarring. 

* <b> I was worried about the whereabout of some of my friends for many hours.</b>

I was awake very late and found out about the shooting right when it happened and or the next 12 hours I was worrying about quite a few people. I immediately went on my facebook and looked for all my gay friends first to see if they said anything about going to pulse. Then I looked at other friends that frequent gay clubs. Some people hadn't posted in a few days but I knew they went to pulse regularly so I was stuck in limbo waiting for verification that they weren't dead or injured. This obviously makes this a more personal experience than a bomb going off in Paris. 

* <b> I hadn't really experienced a loss from death until 7 months prior to the pulse shooting. </b>

Until I lost my best friend 8 months ago I honestly didn't have a concept of exactly how gutting, devastating, and life-changing it is to lose a person you love dearly. Obviously, I knew it was terrible. But that was just knowledge I had. I didn't really know what it *felt* like to lose a person. I had pets die, and my grandmother had died but I was 7 and had no concept of death at that time so it didn't really affect me that much. 

After losing my best friend, however, I had a deep sense of how it felt for these people to lose their loved ones. When I read about the families and watched the videos of friends waiting outside the hospital I *knew* how they felt and I felt their pain intensely. I cried on and off for an entire week and still now when I think of it I am brought to tears. Just a few days ago I was riding in a car laughing with my friends and we passed a sign that said "We stand with Pulse" outside of a business and I instantly stopped laughing and had to fight back tears as I remember those 49 people who had lost their lives and would never again be riding in a car, with friends, laughing. 

So, I am not sure how I will react to the next mass shooting. ( I wish I could say I am not sure how I will react *if* there is another mass shooting but, c'mon. ) I think regardless of where it occurs I may simply be more empathetic now that I have a deeper sense of what it feels like to lose somebody too soon and unexpectedly. Or maybe now when I see a shooting in some other state, or country, it will bring me back to the time my hometown was the location of the tragedy. I am not sure. What I am sure of is that the Pulse shooting devastated me and I am still sickened when I think of it. 

<b>My heart goes out to the victims and all of their friends and family and the city of Orlando. </b> 

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