![IMG-PHOTO-ART-1580030530.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmeCpoXWZ4u6px8JDn4CrbVcM1uFP8RgxKURjfYTFM7tvM/IMG-PHOTO-ART-1580030530.jpg)

*Hey, BoomDawg. Are you crying?*

I set down my cup and looked up from my book at the twittish-sounding thing that was interrupting my precious lunchtime coffee. 

*Ah.*

It was *BitcoinBoy,* an absolute arsepiece I had once sold some 50 quids worth of bitcoin to back in the 2017 mega run. 

He claimed to have bought alts with it and then sold them all for a fortune. Something that I seriously doubted because he had had to buy Bitcoin from me in the first place. 

Ever since, he had been as insufferable as a dog snowmobiling its anus on a carpet.
<sub>*Why?! Why do they do that? Can't they just do what cats do and give it a good lick? I mean they lick their balls readily enough.*</sub>

*No, I am not crying. I am drinking coffee in a cafe. I feel pretty happy.*

I set my book down with a contented sigh and smiled at him. 

Like everyone else, the lockdowns had made him doughy and blotchy like a hungover labourer after an hour on the pneumatic drill. 

*Aye, do ye? Do ye fuck!!*

*BitcoinBoy* pulled out a chair and sat beside me, a big cheese-eating grin adorning his face as if he had found his aunt's pants in the laundry.

*And why pray tell would I not be happy, [*bawjaws?*](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bawjaws)*

I flared my nostrils as if I could smell his greasy testicles. Truth be told there was a hint of musk in the air. Idly,  wondered if there were lots of dead flies and stuff stuck to them.

*BitcoinBoy* took off his silly grey beanie which looked like it had been fashioned from an Elephant's penis and whapped it on the table triumphantly. 

*Why would you not be happy? Have you not seen the markets? How much is your bitcoin worth noo ya dobber! Hahahah!*

*BitcoinBoy* shook his head and continued to chuckle as he pulled his phone out of a pocket and flashed the screen at me. It looked like a crypto portfolio that was suffering badly. 

*Now who's the daftie! I sold all mine at the top. At the top!*

He tucked his phone away and looked at me expectantly like a many-breasted octopus.

*Good for you, old chap. Now fuck off will you? It's lunchtime and I am trying to have a read.*

I made to pick my book up but it was too late. *BitcoinBoy* had reached out and snatched at it. He began reading the blurb on the back.

*Blah blah blah, KGB, blah blah blah MI6, blah blah, spy this, spy that. Haha, you trying to take your mind off losing all your money on crypto?*

He chuckled idiotically, like a Welshman trying to play chess.

*I don't really care about the price of crypto mate.*

I snatched my book back and started reading. 

*Aye you do.*

*BitcoinBoy* smacked his lips together with a noise like buttocks flapping in the wind.

*I really don't mate. Not at all. Not in the slightest.*

I had a sip of coffee and let out a little sigh of contentment.

*Why, Why not? You sold all your crypto or something??*

*BitcoinBoy* looked worried at the idea I could be out of the game and he wouldn't be able to annoy me about crypto anymore. 

*Not at all, muckeroo. Not at all. I still have a stash of stuffs.*

I gave him a little wink. The kind of wink that drives insecure folk like *BitcoinBoy* mad.

*Why are you not pissed off then that crypto is crashing?*

He looked genuinely confused. 

*It's quite simple, come here.*

I beckoned him to lean in closer.

*What?*

He leaned in a little. 

I motioned him closer and cupped my hand conspiratorially. 

He leaned in further till his ear was next to my mouth.

*Because your mum doesn't take crypto.*

I sat back and grinned. 

*BitcoinBoy* frowned deeply. 

*Because my mum doesn't... Hey, fuck off, that's not funny?!*

I let a big belly laugh.

*Aye it is. Now seriously, fuck off. I am trying to read.*

Miraculously, he did.