![1648163121642.jpg](https://images.hive.blog/DQmcVuupJH8mNvgUtNmfCBBW9qgZEp8xmjp2inK9ywN8Y2X/1648163121642.jpg)

*All hands. All hands call. Everyone drop everything. We have an all-hands call... __Priority one incident.__*

The message flashed up on my screen as if it was urgent.

I took a sip of my coffee and absentmindedly leaned over on one *[bahookie](https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/bahookie)* cheek to let a gentle spring breeze seep free.

*Boomy? Where are you? We have a Priority One call, get on it... Now!*

*El-Jefe,* even through the medium of typing on a screen, sounded close to angry ejaculation. 

I huffed and put down my coffee which I had been quite enjoying. What was the world coming to when a man can't be given peace to drink coffee and fart on the company dime? 

I mean, what in hell's barnacles did they think they were paying me for? 

The call was a huge one, I could feel Teams straining under the effort of displaying so many avatars and switched off cameras.

*El-Jefe* was not one for switching off his camera though and appeared on screen in all his wobbling Jabba-like glory. I noted smugly that he had added a new chin to his ever increasing collection. 

It was a fine one and no mistake. Just under the beardline, a glistening *ham plantain* of a thing. 

In my head I named it *Clarky* after a chap that had peed himself on the night bus one time and loudly shouted to all who cared that he was *Mad Clarky* and he would *take us all on.* After which he slumped down and fell asleep in his own stinking urine.

Ah, them were the days alright.

*Chaps, we have a P1. In Production. Right now. It's action stations. I need to know. What steps are we taking to mitigate?*

*El-Jefe* glared balefully out of the screen at all of the people he could not see.

*The Kurgan* was the first to answer. He was a Lead Systems Architect, famed for his ability to survive any conflict leaving only screams of anguish in his wake.

*Um, the issue, where the customer cannot log in to their account is highly present in the Live environment and is an issue which has presented itself.*

He spoke with an air of tragic resignation as if opening mystery box number 3 on *Bride or Hide* and finding a large goat within.

*El-Jefe* growled at this like a Hyena with an erection in an Ohio bookshop. 

*Yes, customers cannot log in to their accounts. What are we doing about it?*

He managed to say the words both like a question and a dire threat. 

*We are redeploying the code from last nights release however we have hit upon a __serious__ issue.*

Chimed in *Elephant Shoe,* a Problem Analyst who had once been witnessed moisturising his happy sacks in the nearby gym's changing room.
<sub><sup>*We shouldn't judge. However... arent they soft enough? In what leathery balled world would you have to moisturise your ninky nonks?!*</sub></sup>

*Go on.*

*El-Jefe* grunted. 

*When we run step 5 in the deployment and steps 3 and 4 have not been carried out then step 5 fails.*

*The Kurgan* said with the confidence of a madman.

*Yes, it fails. Presumably because we have not run steps 3 and 4?*

*El-Jefe* spoke carefully as if repeating the terms of a home broadband deal that seemed to good to be true.

*Precisely!*

Trilled *The Kurgan.*

*Then why don't we go back and run the missing steps 3 and 4?*

He demanded.

*Because step 5 has failed and we are analysing step 5. However even when we attempt to miss out step 5 then Step 6 fails. Should we skip to Step 7??*

A bleeping noise sounded from *The Kurgan.*

*Apologies, El-Jefe, I have an urgent call and need to drop.*

*The Kurgan* disappeared from the chat.

*El-Jefe* groaned like a latex monster from an eighties horror movie. 

*Boomy, do you have anything to add to this? Can you help?*

He tapped this in a snarlingly pleading private message to me if it were I that had personally let all of our good staff leave and replaced them with shonky offshore substitutes.

*Yes indeed I can.*

I dropped a car crash GIF into our chat and followed it  couple of smiley emojis.

There, I pushed myself back on my seat and stood. Time for a shit. This was shaping up to be a good day.