<p>Smack! Pain surged in my back. <em>Was that a textbook?</em> I thought to myself. I slowly looked up from helping a curious student with math, nervous of what was behind me. A full water bottle, not a textbook. I didn’t know a water bottle could hurt so much, but I guess when hurled across a classroom, it can do some damage.</p>
<p> <center>People call me Em. Here I am: </center></p>
<p><center><img src="http://i.imgsafe.org/ce87ebd974.jpg" width = "40%"/></center></p>
<p>As an unsuspecting new teacher, born and raised in the suburbs, with aspirations of helping students find their way and see the awe of math in their lives, I took over my first real classroom. I overlapped with the teacher that left halfway through the year and he warned me of fires set under his desk, fights, and apologized for what I was about to face. </p>
<p><center><img src="http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1267387/images/o-EMPTY-CLASSROOM-facebook.jpg" /></center></p>
<h3>Trying to Make a Difference</h3>
<p>In my training I was told the rules and how to handle discipline. So, on my first day, when a student cursed at me, I wrote her up as instructed. She replied, “I didn’t f***ing curse.” I just stared blankly. Clearly, I was out of my league. For the first three days I stood at the front of my classroom, literally just trying to get the attention of my students. I didn’t realize how adept children could be at just ignoring someone.</p>
<p><center><img src="http://cceffect.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/AskingForHelp.jpg" /></center></p>
<p>Did I call for help? Of course. Do you know what my principal said when I asked him how to do better? He gave me one piece of advice: “Just make sure you always punish a white student first, even if they don’t deserve it. Then you won’t get in trouble for others you punish.” I should have left then, but I couldn’t walk out on these kids. They were just kids and they needed someone to be there for them. As ridiculous as his advice was, I can see a glimmer of why he gave it – I was accused just about every day of being racist. Like one day near the beginning, I couldn’t remember a student’s name, and I said “I’m sorry, in the black hat there, what is your name?” Apparently referring to the color of someone’s hat is racist, I found out that day. And just for the record, there were students of various races in my classroom and that was NOT an indicator of how they treated me or how I treated them.</p>
<p>It didn’t end with the water bottle and cursing. They threw various objects at me throughout the rest of my year there, yelled and cursed at me, got in fights, and threatened me. A few boys followed me home one time and the next day described my route to me and how they would smash my car in if I wrote them up. Well one day my car window was smashed in. Was it them? I have no idea. </p>
<p><center><img src="https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/yykwbiwtndomgrv71r4d.jpg" width = "40%"/></center></p>
<p>I cried almost every night and wanted to quit so much, but I thought to myself, <em>I bet every other person in their lives has quit on them. How could I be another one in that line of people?</em> So I tried to just be there for them and stuck it out to the end of the school year. Did that matter to any of them? I guess I will never know. Sadly, the only information I have heard about any of these students involved their early death or imprisonment. </p>
<h3>From the Inner City to Online</h3>
<p>I am grateful for my experience there, if only because it pushed me into what I am doing today - online teaching. It may sound like a cop out, and I’ll admit it was at the beginning, but now I am so glad to be where I am. I sometimes get the same type of kids in my online classroom. They were kicked out of their last school with a string of disciplinary issues. But am I scared this time? No, just to the contrary, I am excited to be in this place where I can talk to them one on one, actually connect with them, just listen, and finally make the difference I set out to at the beginning. They don’t have the pressure from their friends to act out and I think they just don’t see the need in the online environment.</p>
<p>There have been countless stories of students who came to my current school as a last resort and were ready to give up. I am so grateful that I can now finally be the person to be there for them and help them make a change for the better. </p>
<p><center><img src="http://i.imgsafe.org/ced374f844.jpg" width = "40%"/></center></p>
<h3><center>My Husband &amp; Baby</center></h3>
<p><center>My husband is a web designer and stay at home dad. He's pretty cool. We are sharing this account.</center></p>