# My time is not waiting for my hope, Mother .. Father #

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Why .. why me? All the destiny that happened to me was not a coincidence. nor a story that can be beautifully engraved in life. My reality did not match my expectations. I can not feel happy, I can not feel the grasp of the affection of a father I longed for, which I craved. I can not compare myself with others. In fact I'm different from others. Likewise with my life. I'm different, I'm not the same as them. But in my heart I can not stop my grief at this destiny that I have to live.

"Hey, finally we pass also Li .." Linda said interrupting my daydream.
"Yes Lin .." In short.
"Lecture where are you going to Li?"
"I do not know lin, I think it's here."
"Why not out of town? I still plan in yogya li .. "
"I do not know, I'm still confused."

Whether I can go to college or not I do not know, because there is no cost. My mother could not afford it, I told myself.

"Hey, daydreaming again. Let's go to the cafeteria temenin pay my debts with Mrs. Dina. "Say linsa while embracing my shoulders and we went to the cafeteria.

Gratitude and happiness accompany all my friends. They are very happy because 3 years of high school that has been undertaken finally can pass also and surely can continue to the best university in indonesia. But for me not. There is no hope, no possibility and maybe no more chance of me to be like them. My intention to go to college is very strong but weigh this sense if the intention only there but the cost is not there. All I know "money is not everything .. but everything needs money .. God ... this heartache, this heart can not survive when desire can not reach.

The time is 5 pm. My mamak who only sells at the food stalls home with a tired feeling that is clearly visible on his face. Mamak every day walking to get to the shop. A very long journey that should have used angkot but he did not want to. He wants to save money on angkot until he is willing to walk away and go home. Miris my heart to see him. But what my day I can not do anything. I even insist on wanting to go to college when it's obviously impossible.

That night my mamak said to me,
"Son you looking for work well, for his application."
"How about work? I want to study mak"
"Yes but it does not have money" Well you work while you can go to college. "
"Mamak kok koksa, I want to go to college." While shedding tears I was crying. I went straight to my room. Silence thousands of languages, can only cry and cry to finally fall asleep.
"Son wake well later between his application" Hope to sign in. Mamak work first, do not forget to ngelamar later. "
"I do not know," I replied still irritated.

Well I decided to apply too. I went on an angkot and I immediately put my proposal to a big cake shop. Finally a few hours I was on the phone and tomorrow must come for an interview. At night I tell this to my mamak.

"Tomorrow there is a mak test"
"Alhamdulillah .. mamak prayer may be accepted yes son"
"Yes".

I get there tomorrow. I'm in an accounting test. But it fails because I'm not from ips but ipa. Yeah I guess I'm not welcome. Finally I went home with a sense of disappointment. Especially when I told my mamak that I had forgotten the accounting lessons when class X first.

"Yeah gapapa if not yet sustenance .Later ngelamar wrote elsewhere." Again my mamakku try to calm me so as not to despair. And I know he is the most tired all day work but still keeps the spirit to me. Actually I love mak same mamak .. but my love is closed by my own ego.

After a few days I called back. It was from the bakery company. And tomorrow comes in at 8 in black and white. There is surprise and wonder too. but it made me go there the next day. Arriving there were also 3 women who will interview as well. Finally we were called. And I was placed in producting as a cake decorating aid for 11 days. Well at first I was hesitant but I believe it may be the best that God gave me. Anyway his salary can add a lot of money and Lebaran lecture later, I thought.


Finally I started working for the first time. Initially who did not understand but after being taught can also. The people there are also good, willing to teach me. Although for me feels too heavy but still I live because of this intention. Rest time I use for prayer in the mosque where I work this while reading al-qur'an. So even though the fasting month of work does not feel heavy. I came home at 4 pm. As usual go home angkot ride. At home I always complain about my mamakku because I'm tired of work. But my mamak always says, "More tired mamak nak .."

There I tried not to complain again, strong as mamakku. Although sometimes I say that again. Day per day I went through this job with responsibility even though the risk is sometimes tired but I keep the spirit. Not long enough I can get to know the friends who also work there. His average age above me. I try to be more familiar with them.

Until 11 days arrived too.
"Last day .. may be a blessing," I said with a step bismillah ..

Well the last day is indeed very tiring. Many cakes to be made and certainly have a lot of energy needed. But I'm sure I can. Well it was finally finished from morning until 5 pm. Fatigue but as faded as today can be my first salary. I was called into the room and signed to receive a salary. Alhamdulillah ... my first salary started here, although only 11 days work but I am grateful.

Finished receive our immediate salary of mutual forgiveness because tomorrow is Eid. After that I went home with my first salary. Pride must be there. Arriving at home my mamak was waiting for me. We go straight to a clothing store to buy my clothes. All my mamak chose. I also bought my new wallet mamak. I am glad that the shadow for college is still remembered but I am sure that His destiny must be His way.

Lebaran arrived. All Muslims rejoice in this day fitri nan. All sorry forgive each other. Likewise with my family. Although there is only my mamakku and my sister but I am quite happy. I'm used to the age of 3 years did not feel the affection of a biological father himself. Although now he is still there but I do not know somewhere. No one knows. I had no intention of looking for him either.

What for?
To make wounds to my mamak again?
I do not want!
Not easy to raise a child alone, work anything for the sake of children. Not easy but my mamak can!
She's a strong woman, tough, not despair. She's the best mother!
He was never ashamed of what he did as long as it was lawful and for the sake of his son. He's everything for me even though sometimes I've made him disappointed because of my attitude.
Along the way too fast also passed. My memory continues to imagine being able to go to college this year.

"Mak again in the closing registration. I want a list. "My mam just stood still.
"Mak ... I want to go to college I want the basic list." I say as if annoyed.
"Mamak tau nak .. mamak also confused. You also can not work how to pay it later. Mamak also no money son .. "Say my mamak while sighing.
"Try tomorrow mamak borrow business. Who knows there is a way. Patience ya son .. "He added with a sigh.

I went straight to my room, shedding tears. I could not bear the urge to see my mamak eyes that showed confusion. I know he has a lot to think about. "I kasian mak same mamak ... but I want to study college also mak ..." while crying in my sleep.

Two days passed. I got word that someone else needs employees. I went straight to his company. Arrived there I guess only interview first, but soon said mbak Eny direct work. And mbak Eny who taught me.

Here you will work here. So you call the customer and the contents of the data here. Later when finished save and send the file to me. Tomorrow I update the data again. "Said eny mba while explaining all the way.
"Yeah ya," I said, remembering all the explanations. Looks sure Mbak Eny good person, not easily angry. I can immediately understand with his words. "If not lifted write RNA. if appointed means called yah. "
"If not active mba write what?" I added cut explanation Eny mbak
"Mailbox only."
"Okay mbak thanks mbak."
"Yes already udah mbak stay first. Later if there is anything gtalk mbak aja. "As she went away.
"Siip mbak."

Bismillah ... the first day should be. Hopefully Friday is full of blessings. Aamiin .. while writing status in gtalk with the word "spirit .. !!"

I'm finally getting used to my new job. Work is full of risks and challenges. But I'm pretty optimistic to run it. I'm glad I'm not too tired. I use break time to meet my Creator. I mixed up what I was going through today. This is much to keep me calm. Can complain all my problems to Him.

Almost every day I finish my job more than my target. Until the break time I was still busy with my job. This made a new problem for me. I was reprimanded by a senior man. Maybe he has been working there for a long time.

"If it's time to rest well yah it worked." Firm, clear his words until no one dared say in the room. Everything is silent. So with me who can only shed tears again. Sad .. Why should be like this. I'm afraid this just makes a new problem again.

I also tell my problem to mbak Eny.
"Mbak earlier I reprimanded mbak, I was told to rest but I do not want mbak. Not that I rejected mbak but I had already rested fit shalat. I also focus on the same work mbak. I know I'm wrong. "
"Another time liandra not be so again well. Your intention is good. Liandra should also be more appreciative too. "
"Yes Miss. so I will not work again mbak? "
"Haha not. have not in entering heart well. "
"Can not mbak. I'm afraid of mbak. "
"I can not do it again next time."
"Yes mbak makasih ya mbak."
Oh God ... I'm afraid. Hope it's okay. I hurried home with sadness.

Since then I have been quiet more often. I'm afraid and should be more careful again. Well since from the beginning of work I never talked to anyone except Mbak Eny. But too long bored too. I also tried to rebuke the other friends. Alhamdulillah they also respond well. So I'm not awkward with them anymore.

That night me and mamak chatted.
"Nak mamak have borrowed business but can not." I was silent.
"Mamak already confused. If you want pawn letters home can not also son. "

I'm silent again. I kept quiet all thinking. I'm sure I can not go to college. I also do not have the heart to mamakku. Do I have to constantly force my mamak? I'm sorry if I let my mamak sad with all my requests.

He is willing to do anything for me. Even until I've graduated like this but still ask for him? I'm confused .. everything I can not think with logic. My feelings are deeper than my logic.

"Yes if I did not go to college." I answered slowly.
"Mamak has been a child's effort but yes the reality is like this. Not papa ya son, do not be disappointed, do not despair. Stay morale yes. "
I did not answer my mamak, I went to the room with sadness.

Sad .. disappointed .. want to shout but can not. In the middle of the night I say pray to God. I cried in each of my contests. I could not hold it again, my crying continued until I was sobbing.


"Yes Rabb ... ikhlaskan heart to accept this all. Raise me up, strengthen me. I can only complain to you O God .. give me your best path. I'm sure your destiny is better than all. I do not want to make my mamak sad. He had suffered enough for this long. God ... I live because of You, I die for You .. I belong to You O Allah ... "sob this inner, sobbing me burst in this crying of mine. This hurt ... I cry back to sleep in my prayer mat.

Tomorrow arrived. The day everyone started college. Except me. Just get to the test passes but to pay the cost is not there. I tried to be tough in front of everyone. Before I go to work, I say to my mamak,

"Mak'm gakpapa. I'm not disappointed with mamak. I'm not disappointed everyone. I'm disappointed with myself. Perhaps this is the destiny of God. I tried to keep smiling mak, "while I tears my eyes.
"I work mak. No need to go to college. I ... "The crying was again unbearable.
"Well, do not cry. Mamak understand your feelings. Patient nak .. "
Hugging me tightly.
"Yeah I'm really gakpapa kok mak. Already mak want to go later late, "I said trying to keep upright to mamak not sad too.
"Yes mamak also want to go. Be careful ya son. Do not think about it. "
"Yes .."

Along the way in my angkot continue to daydream. Think about it all. In the heart just speechless,

"It must be nice to go to school today. But I can not. I promise I can not be sad. God will be angry if I can not accept this fate. I can motivate people, I always give the spirit to my friends but to make myself more difficult spirit .. not easy. But starting today I want to write this story. I want to be a writer who can encourage everyone.

Well I started typing my work on hp and then I send it on the websites of short story writers. No computer or laptop, I try to continue to realize this talent, does not reduce the broken spirit. because I'm sure it can be business. My talents write. I must use this gift of God. Definitely worthwhile. Nothing in vain. "

My lapse was answered when I arrived at the office. I started working right away. Realizing again and saying, "Time has not been able to allow me to go to college this year. Likewise with the time to date, have not been able to find me with a father of my own. It may take a while to change everything. But in this deepest heart of the heart .. I'm still waiting for you father. Waiting for your lost affection for years, which I have never felt in the least. But for how long? Will all this be answered? O Allah ... everything I pasrahkan onMu. "Again and again I drifted in sadness. ah I can not be crybaby. I need to get up. Must be able to! bismillah ...

In each of my work, I started writing my works. Hope someday to make this destiny change for the better. My busyness now I pass so I do not feel disappointed again. The days are gone. Although sometimes sad hit but I still fight for the figure of a mother. And now I'm all over until that time ... until that certainty comes ... and until everyone is happy because I ...

Short story Essay: Liya Utari
Facebook: liya_2nl.quetz @ [- at -] yahoo.co.id / 'liiya' ernnur '

My name is Liya Utari
I was born in Surabaya, September 17, 1995
I live in Balikpapan, East Kalimantan
My hobby is writing
email fb liya_2nl.quetz [-at-] yahoo.co.id / 'liiya' ernnur '
email liyaernnur [-at-] gmail.com
The goal is to be a writer who is able to motivate everyone, who can benefit everyone.
I'm the 2nd of 2 siblings
I love to motivate the spirit to my friends and I also enjoy studying Islam more deeply
Hopefully I can be useful for everyone, and Insha Allah be the true muslimah in the world and hereafter .. AAMIIN ....

# THANKS FOR VISITING MY BLOG @mnur #
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