![20230621_180604.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/EqokaQfvn6oy1FT62queNqak82N1HA1aZss4ricYoNLXDgjmzonMvNm8227m7nXZi59.jpg)

![new-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23tRrDFsVCWfmqnfH69KSe83LbsDxCTTy9Ymi3GwkbWEnncrvys86DC2hUbVVkxrrUFmZ.png)

I've actually written quite a bit on my travels as it turns out. Some notes from a walk in early April below.

Don't panic! <sup>Hitchhiker's Guide</sup> The food is sorted again now. Rough few months on the road leading here. 

But this may shed some light for others along the way...

![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swbrBW3nTdH68zjiPvpYqCkq57woxFUt7JgWmmDwm1o4PhXfwBNsZZBTEsSpCnu8pys.png)
## April 2023

I'm aware that something feels different today.

It strikes me, as I start my morning walk to the village, that I've been spending most of my time in my room again and not seeing my surroundings or making good use of them.

Which is why I came to live in this area in the first place.

It's complicated to explain but I know that this is my eating disorder again. It's reappeared in the last few weeks without me realizing it.

![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swbrBW3nTdH68zjiPvpYqCkq57woxFUt7JgWmmDwm1o4PhXfwBNsZZBTEsSpCnu8pys.png)

In 2019, when I was in the situation that mimicked my past trauma almost exactly, an eating disorder appeared.

I know, now, that I've had this particular addiction all my life. I know, now, that every other addiction was only there to keep the eating disorder hidden and firmly in place.

In the arena of recovery we call this a "primary addiction". And I never even realised I had this one until there was nothing left to use to hide it. 

![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swbrBW3nTdH68zjiPvpYqCkq57woxFUt7JgWmmDwm1o4PhXfwBNsZZBTEsSpCnu8pys.png)

In early 2019, however, I'd already given up the alcohol, the drugs, worked on the codependence, the sex and the love addictions. All that remained, or so I thought, were the cigarettes and coffee.

By December of 2019, after the extended stress of the ongoing situation and the fact that my smoking had increased because of this, there were days when I had difficulty breathing and was unable to even get out of bed.

I was afraid the Emphysema had progressed and was determined to stop smoking. I couldn't though. I was stressed as fuck and treading water. In fact, even my doctor had raised her eyebrows and told me to not bother trying right then when she'd heard what was happening in my world. "You've still got a bit of time." she'd added at the check up in March 2019.

The situation had only gotten worse though. I realized I *had* to stop regardless of *anything* happening to me. Somehow. But, despite my best efforts, I couldn't get it right. 

It was a person, who I barely knew at all, that finally motivated me to give up smoking proper. A random stranger met on an internet dating site that I was only using to try and distract myself from the fucking nightmare my life had become. 

It's truly bizarre how life can, literally, change in one moment, huh?

![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swbrBW3nTdH68zjiPvpYqCkq57woxFUt7JgWmmDwm1o4PhXfwBNsZZBTEsSpCnu8pys.png)

I was aware enough of my sex and love addiction to know that I was doing this, by the way. Using dating (sex and love) to avoid my own unpleasant reality. I even told him so when he asked what I was doing on Tinder. 

I didn't actually expect to meet someone that I liked.

I took to him almost immediately simply because of one question he asked. "What books do you have on your bedside table?"

I've used dating sites on and off for some years and I mostly find them boring and frustrating. I start off being polite and answering every message but within a few days the simple, "Hi" Or "I like your profile pic." become too arduous to answer. 

When this person asked this question and I told him what books were on my bedside table I, of course, asked the same in return. He mentioned one book that we both had in common. 

It was because of this, and only because of this, that I agreed to meet him for a walk that afternoon. Was it that afternoon? It may have been the next day...

Whatever the case, it was unusual for me to accept his suggestion so soon. 

I only did because I told him I had a book called The Adult Child something or other on my night stand and he mentioned he had a Twelve Step related book on his bedside table too.

It didn't matter that I'd chosen to abandon the Twelve Step program by this stage. The fact that I'd met another person who had worked the program was enough for me to trust him immediately. 

And so we met at a local walking place in person.

![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swbrBW3nTdH68zjiPvpYqCkq57woxFUt7JgWmmDwm1o4PhXfwBNsZZBTEsSpCnu8pys.png)

What motivates a person to change direction, or try something new, is unusual and can't really be manipulated. The inspiration to take a step into a new way of life isn't usually as rational as we may think it is.

Telling someone with Emphysema to stop smoking cigarettes because they are going to die usually has the completely opposite effect, for example. Alan Carr mentions it in his book as well. He writes that you'll find the most smokers outside the Cancer ward or something to that effect. I'd believe it. 

I guess the stress of impending death may cause some folks to smoke a bit more. Discussing why this may be the case would probably take more than one book in itself so I'll leave it here to simmer. 

But what happened, on that relatively short walk with my spontaneous new Tinder friend, was that I found a person I admired who also reminded me of some other people who I'd loved and admired. 

*Who were the exact reasons why I used cigarettes and had the sex and love addiction in the first place*. 

My dad and brother for the smoking. And the first great love of my life - a super charming young French DJ called Alain for the...

Well. We spent a fuck load of time on dancefloors. And the rest of the time in bed. Mostly. But that's not exactly *why* he was related to it. More to follow one day if it happens that way. Back to that random Tinder date...

And, so it was, I ended up leaving that first meeting with the charming new stranger without realising I'd already decided to quit the cigarettes. 

Just like that. 

![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swbrBW3nTdH68zjiPvpYqCkq57woxFUt7JgWmmDwm1o4PhXfwBNsZZBTEsSpCnu8pys.png)

Over the next few days I reached out to a man I knew who was a fervent Twelve stepper.

Although I didn't want to participate in the program in the way the groups were offering it anymore, I also knew that the program worked to get clean and sober.

I'd tried many different ways to stop using alcohol and drugs back in 2013 and 2014. When I finally made it into the Twelve Step program, I was ready to stop. I was ready to *listen*, that is.

I'd tried a variety of ways to get clean by that stage and nothing had worked. By the time I entered the doors of a church, I never would have attended otherwise because even the word God made my skin crawl by that stage, I was desperate enough to shut the fuck up and listen to somebody else's suggestions for a change. Nothing I'd tried had worked. And I'd tried pretty much everything by then.

And when I finally accepted that I didn't know how to do this, after failing to succeed on my own for around a year and a half, and I simply did what was suggested by some old timers who *had* managed to get and stay sober...

it worked and it worked relatively easily.

So, in 2019, when I realized I couldn't stop smoking cigarettes on my own, again, I approached a human who was still in the Twelve Step program even though he was a man and I shouldn't have been working with a male sponsor.

I consider myself non-binary and fluid though. Bisexual too. I thought that this wouldn't be a problem. And it wasn't. For me. 

Under his guidance and support I stopped smoking cigarettes within a couple of days.

![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swbrBW3nTdH68zjiPvpYqCkq57woxFUt7JgWmmDwm1o4PhXfwBNsZZBTEsSpCnu8pys.png)

[During my days](https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-r6xax-143a0af) and in-between wandering and wondering...

The don't mess with me recovery guide. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't think I have the patience to deal with this shit anymore, quite honestly. Anyone selling knitting needles then?

Must edit to add this was **not** a conversation wiyh a client. Obviously! One can't share that information. Just in case folks don't know this. Client privilege et al. 

This was a convo with a someone who wanted me to work with them on websites, who'd I'd respectfully asked the day before to only contact me re work when they were sober. Ignored. Of course. Because unresolved trauma and addiction makes people incredibly self centered and self serving. It's the nature of not being fully present, I guess. 

![sb-hr-2.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swa9Kf2xybAQJqAVCK34pBBg8rFpr94U3LrsXV3DqCBh8hccpqnjj99hzVCPo52SF7T.png)

<center>*Eternal Seeker<br> Hardened Dreamer<br> Mother<br> Peaceful Warrior<br> Determined Dancer<br>and Stargazer<br><br>still...<br><br>Beyond fear is freedom<br><br>And there is nothing to be afraid of.<br><br><sub>To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!<br>Nicky Dee </sub>*</center>

<center><sub>[www.mettame.art](https://www.mettame.art)</sub></center>

![sb-hr-2.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/nickydee/23swa9Kf2xybAQJqAVCK34pBBg8rFpr94U3LrsXV3DqCBh8hccpqnjj99hzVCPo52SF7T.png)

<center><sub>All images not sourced directly are my own. </sub></center></center>

&nbsp;