It's good to feel your anger. Eventually, you'll need to have a conversation with your mother where you explain the rules, but not until you feel better. One thing I know is that it is especially hard to be angry with parents. Recognize that you will be fragile and volatile and give yourself a lot of loving care.  Try to imagine that it is possible to feel love for someone without condoning their behavior or allowing them to see you. Imagine this not because it will make you a "good person" but because it is easier to forget about it when you don't feel conflicted. I know I'm a stranger and it's not my place, but you might indulge yourself in seeing a therapist, if you're open to it. I don't say that because of anything you've written but just because it's something people don't always do for themselves, even when they want to. Best wishes. Don't disown you mother, yet. Don't do anything about it today. Just let it be okay to be angry.