My cousin Michael died in his sleep - we think - yesterday. At least he was found in his bed, dead. The police came and informed his mother last night. His sister Alison, a cousin I've always been fairly close to, rang with the news as I was walking through the forest next to me. He's with the coroner, but it's likely nothing untoward - perhaps his heart just gave up in his sleep. He was due to see his boys today, and loved them dearly. 


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/riverflows/23vhwa3iYFL4RcUCacnrdWZEGnhFPw7QMqivZ4cnsRHEir86hLHfAnK3Xj2g4S4qh1QsL.png)



It's complicated for her - he's been estranged from the family for years due to his mental health, which made relationships with her very difficult to say the least. How can you grieve for someone you didn't *like*, in the end? My Mum had a brother like that. Long story. But it was hard for her to feel sad when they hadn't seen each other in years and he was a bit of a creep. 

Last time I spoke to him it was via Instagram texts when his Dad died last year, right in the middle of COVID lockdown. He talked about his relationship with alcohol and how things were going in that regard, which were good, given he couldn't drink without killing himself. It's only now looking back at those messages that I saw he was in AA too which I missed in the strange messages where I texted to see where he was and if he was going, as his sister couldn't get a hold of him and didn't use Instagram. 

Once a year or so he'd seen me a message - 'a happy birthday cuz, loveyaguttttts' or, responding to a photo of a sea eagle 'wow, cool sea eagle, I remember seeing one once down at ...etc'. I hadn't seen him for years. In fact the last time I saw him was at a festival. 


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/riverflows/EnYTnTXWyEfSttN1WpFXxwKGAkRSHuQYqsAxtvNwcC7wx32eJ3LpcCS8XMRpDnev9XJ.png)

We got along well, me and my cousin. We shared a love of the same music, went to the same festivals, loved nature and art and freedom. He loved me a lot, I think, seeing me as a kindred free spirit. I guess I dont mourn who he became, but mourn who he was when his life was full of potential. I don't want to talk about what happened but remember the good things about him. That's the advice I gave his sister, my other loved cousin, who must work through these complicated feelings over a brother she'd kinda lost years ago. 

When she called I sat under a pine tree next to a huge clump of mushrooms and cried a little with her before hanging up and watching the light move through and a willy wagtail screech at me from the fenceline. He would have liked that, I think, that I was sitting in the middle of a forest saying goodbye to him. 

See ya, cuz. Loveyagutttttts. 



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