Facing my greatest fear: total sobriety & going back to rehab
sobriety·@samstonehill·
0.000 HBDFacing my greatest fear: total sobriety & going back to rehab
 Ever since [visiting Fountains Abbey](https://whaleshares.io/@samstonehill/today-i-went-to-fountains-abbey-in-yorkshire-with-my-drone-because-it-has-been-calling-me-since-i-arrived-in-the-uk) with the question "why am I here?" I have been confronted with a chain of events, like the Universe is doing its best to answer it. ## The Landlord Still buzzing from the experience of my day at the Abbey I smoked a joint in the garden of my current landlord upon arriving 'home'. I wasn't thinking about wind direction & location of landlord, who is usually outside. Instead I was thinking about Fountains Abbey and my normally airtight security measures went completely out of the window. This led to me getting busted by the landlord! He was incredibly angry and threatened to kick me out immediately if he ever caught me again. He also mentioned that he would not have let me live here had he known I was a smoker. The company I am working for organised the booking and for some reason told him I was a non smoker. As you can see, there are no other places I can live as convenient as this, so I simply can't get kicked out.  ## Rehab Then I get a call from an old friend I met in rehab, back in 2007. He tells me he is starting his own rehab clinic in Blackpool and needs a film to advertise it. A strong feeling comes back to me instantly. A symmetry with past experiences. In 2006 I made a film for a rehab clinic in South Africa which ultimately led me to spend four months there as a 'patient'. This experience was the catalyst for my spiritual awakening, though my sobriety lasted only 18 months and I was quickly swallowed up by London again. But something remained and that something has blossomed since then, leading me to the wonderful life I have waiting for me back in the South of France. While this flower may have blossomed, perhaps now it needs attention again? As all plants do. So, I said yes to my friend and in five days I am off to a Blackpool rehab clinic! Of course, I will just be filming and not checking in. I think... ## The Mantra Unable to sleep that night, I recalled my mantra at the Abbey, "I am a clear, open and receptive vessel". I meditated at the base of the spire and under this tree with the mantra, saying it over and over with the intention of finding the answer to my question. A question which arose when all signs were pointing me toward this sacred place.  The words were taken from a section of Reiki healing preparation and I don't normally use them as a mantra. On that day however, I felt drawn to do so. ## Reality check Then it hit me. I am NOT a clear vessel at all. I am almost always stoned! Recently I have been enjoying two or three beers in the evenings and the amount of coffee I am drinking has increased dramatically since coming to the UK. Instantly I knew what I had to do. I'm going back to rehab. Only this time it will be different. Rehab is in the mind & I don't need a clinic. I've checked already to see where my nearest AA & NA meetings are and it's actually quite funny to see how they form a circle around my village of Easingwold, meaning a 30min drive to get to any of them. No chance. The way I read this is that I must do it without support this time. [](https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/AA-Meetings/Find-a-Meeting) ## No more drugs Total sobriety is the goal and today is my final day before it begins. The weed & beer have run out already, the tobacco is almost finished and the remaining ground coffee beans will be used to fertilise my tomatoes! [](https://homeguides.sfgate.com/tomato-plant-care-using-coffee-grounds-38512.html) I don't know how long I will maintain sobriety but I do know I am being guided to do this. So, if I stay connected and keep looking for the signs I will feel my way into the answer. ## Not gonna lie, I feel some fear right now It is hard not to base our understanding of the present on our experience of the past. Without weed I not only can't sleep, but when I do sleep it is filled with nightmares. Last night it began. It was only a minor one but it was enough to wake me up and keep me awake at 3am. The nightmares tend to get worse as the THC leaves my bloodstream. In a week my blood will be clean. Initially I tend to become less patient and less tolerant of things not going my way and it can take months to find the balance again. This is something I have been hiding from all my life, mostly for the above reasons. So I am telling myself now this time it is going to be different. ## There must be a replacement When the absence of a habit can be felt I tend to replace it with a new activity. Back in 2007 food became my new addiction. So, with experience I can say this will not be happening again. Quite the opposite! I will be fasting next week for at least three days as I have come to learn this is the best way to set out on any life-changing missions. Instead I will exercise my body daily with a few different rep-based routines, including multiple Hindu push-ups, a personal favourite of mine. https://youtu.be/nBLy1IGtSJ8 It is basically a yoga move, but done repetitively is very effective at building upper body strength. I would like to expand my knowledge of Yoga generally. Daily mediation will also be a part of the routine. I recently bought a distiller and am currently drinking 4 gallons of pure water every day. Am eating a 95% raw vegan diet at the moment, thanks to all the [sprouting on my windowsill](https://whaleshares.io/@samstonehill/i-think-i-ve-gone-sprouting-mad-v3-seed-sprouting-device-is-born)  There are numerous berries in season too which are spicing up my daily smoothie. Finally, I am located in a very flat region of the UK so sun-gazing is possible during both sunrise and sunset. Which is great! When I think about it, the timing of this couldn't be more perfect. Thank you Universe for your consistent guidance. And thank you moody landlord for your part in all of this ;) Love & Light everyone!  ## <center>Who is @samstonehill?</center> <center>He was a London based filmmaker until he sold everything and set out on a barefoot journey around the world, currently based in the south of France. <center>He is travelling with his partner & two children and with no bank account he has been living on STEEM & crypto for over two years.</center>  Sam supports @naturalmedicine because they are seeking to help us in ways which go far beyond money. Please come and join us on [Discord](https://discord.gg/AQbmj7g)  ### All content created for this account is 100% original (unless otherwise stated), produced by @samstonehill who invites you to use & share freely as you wish.  <center>All non original photo sources can be found by clicking on the image</center>
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