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I visited my grandmother in hospice this morning. She is not doing well. 

I went to say goodbye. 

I don't expect to see her again. The nurse examining her was covering options for making her comfortable. Her brain is degenerating. She only opened her eyes once while I was there despite constant shifting and frequent muttering. 

Despite a tenuous relationship at best, there is love between us. Saying goodbye is not easy. I was only able to eke the word out when I couldn't wait any longer to leave. 

I am wishing ease for her. Comfort and peace. A quick transition. She was barely here, and while she was not distraught, she did not seem comfortable in the between space. 

This complicated woman. . . I have more often remembered her faults in writing because they have been my motivation for self-care. So, here are a few things about my grandmother I have loved:

Her love of birds
Her love of books (some of those pictured above came to me through her, notably my Anne of Green Gables complete set)
Her love of word games
Her exceptional sewing skill and the toys she made for our family
Her voice when she sang
Her clear, beautiful whistle

There is more. Right now I am going to sit in my sadness. Feeling it is good. I'll do that.