I woke up on schedule this morning. The plan was to knock out several to-do items from my list (paying bills, promoting a class, etc). I sat down with my coffee and laptop, ready to go, and instead, the void of anxiety opened.

It washed over me from the top of my stomach. It now settles in my heart. My heart feels broken. And it is. This anxiety is borne from grief.

<center> ![karimmanjra6iM5GOht664unsplash.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/shawnamawna/GMTibYZt-karim-manjra-6iM5GOht664-unsplash.jpg)
*Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash* </center>

Even though I prepared myself for this day, it is not the day I was expecting. I cannot go to a cafe where I can connect to wifi and write. I cannot clock in at my regular 9-5 job and be confident I am earning income. I cannot leave my house because it is not safe for me to do so. 

I *want* to work. I *want* to be productive. There are others depending on me to bring in an income. Enrollment in my classes is down. The economy is depressed. It makes sense, but logic does not remove fear. Sometimes it calls for it. 

The worst part of this anxious stewing is that I *know* what to do to continue earning an income. I'm privileged in my ability to produce writing that is marketable on multiple platforms. But the anxiety grows the more I try to work. The numbness spreads. I am cold. I want to sleep. My body hurts. I wish I could shut off my mind. I need all the hugs.

From what I see, most of us are feeling this grief and paralysis. The world we know has vanished. We are cut off from loved ones and from the regular (inter)actions we rely on for wellness. I know this is okay. I know we are in this together. I know we will make it through and what we will come out the other side with has the potential to be so much better than the system of living that brought us to this point.

I think that's hope?

# <center> ~~~</center>


I teach blogging, expressive writing for traumatic release and recovery and host generative writing sessions at the Center for Creative Writing. [Write with me!](creativewritingcenter.com)

<center> *or visit me at my home site* </center>

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