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I always knew that I wanted to get back into martial arts. I practiced Kung Fu (A variation called Kung Fu San Soo) from the ages of 14-19 and later went to a martial arts club in college. But back then I didn't really have the drive to be great, and I never practiced outside of class. However, it taught me things like inner strength, confidence, and spatial awareness that I carried with me into adulthood. I would've been a different person without martial arts.

I fell out of martial arts when I dropped out of college and never really looked back, but a wrist lock or two has come in handy in some awkward situations.

About two years ago I said that phase two of my [PTSD recovery](https://steemit.com/writing/@snowmachine/the-demon-and-disassociation-ptsd-series-part-7) would be learning a martial art.

Once I'd achieved the basics of learning how to wrestle the demons inside of me (And then talking to them, holding hands with them, taking them to some of my favorite restaurants), I wanted to teach myself to understand fear. Not just to avoid it, but to dive into it - its routes and mechanics, its myriad of faces.

I wanted to teach myself discipline, strength, and ability through hard work.

Because one thing that I’ve learned in my recovery from PTSD that the only way to facilitate change is through action. 

The mind is an organ of the body, the mind and the body are one. I am in control of my body, therefore I am in control of my mind.

The goal of [somatic therapy](https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/somatic-psychotherapy) is to facilitate recovery through the mind-body connection. As someone with PTSD I have become disconnected from my body. There is [research](http://warriorsatease.org/resources/research/)  that things like yoga helps its practitioners who suffer from trauma to help regulate core arousal and stabilize the body.

I’m not much of a yoga girl, but I did want to relearn martial arts. Not only because I think it’s cool, but because I wanted to regain the confidence to walk the world without staring down at the concrete.

So a month and a half ago I signed up for a Choy Li Fut studio in the area, and began training 5-6 days a week. My boyfriend, who trained a Korean martial art called Tukong for 7 years, helped me search for a school and after we visited, settled on my current school.

As a white belt - we start off learning a few basic blocks, kicks, and techniques. The kicks are the most difficult for me, as in Kung Fu San Soo we never put much emphasis on kicks. It's also the most powerful kind of attack using the body, as the leg muscles are the biggest muscle in the body. As such - getting everything to align in the body to deliver a powerful kick is a complex series of emotions.

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The classes in general are way more hardcore than I'm used to - with lots of punching and kicking drills, techniques, and physical conditioning. The classes are typically divided into a group class and a kicking class. I nearly passed out a few times in kicking class, and almost always leave the studio covered in sweat.

One of the great things about this school is that weekly private lessons are included in the price of tuition - most schools do not offer included private lessons with tuition, but so far they've definitely helped me pinpoint flaws and accelerate my learning.

I’ve also gained a muscle. Like, a lot. My legs and arms are bigger than they’ve ever been in terms of strength.

Mostly, I enjoy the quiet.

In my mind, I mean. While the air is filled with the sound of heavy breaths and the instructors shouts, I feel my insides cooling.

When I’m at class, my body and mind are aligned in one purpose. And although the work is exhausting, for once my mind can relax because it knows its objective. It knows where it has to be - inside my body - not wandering out into the cosmic space. 

And when I’m on my backyard at night practicing, listening to some dubstep or  Fatima Al Qadiri (The album Asiatisch is great for this kind of thing), a calm descends around me. As a human, this is what I was designed to do - to align the purpose of body and mind.

The body is not just a vessel, the body is meant to be used. It is our connection, the ONLY connection, to the world.

To ourselves. Inward and out.

_________

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You can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/teachrobotslove), [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/autumn.christian.7), and [my website](http://www.autumnchristian.net). You can also buy [one of my books here](https://www.amazon.com/Autumn-Christian/e/B006QJ5USQ/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1513040340&sr=8-1).