Whoa. Holy shit. Just saw thru something...Chills of realization! 

![IMG_4052.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmWc9EbZ2QSSVh7PutrZZHfbJYKMZ8ei7Ffgr3spfgNKsK/IMG_4052.JPG)

Booking a photo session with Robert Sturman, my friend recently saying to me, "you're a trail blazer", Kim Anami commenting on my Instagram page 🙌🏽...these have all been contributing messages. But then coming across these words on Instagram last month at the Moment I was all ready and ripe for them were the kicker: 

![IMG_4046.PNG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmcjUF3HGCv5xCMaYYDeCUWhjbW5K6aqaJj75tzE17b6hk/IMG_4046.PNG)


Below 👆🏼the picture  Sarah said, "she can't play small to do this. She is being asked now to step fully into her truth, her power, and share the pulsing magnitude of her gifts with the world."

...chills of realization!! 😳

Here goes my effort at explaining the realization:

I've come to see myself clearly in the last few years. Who I truly am... I am very sexual, a devoted lover and mother, loyal, open in mind and body, authentic and humble in nature or just due to my past. I'll save it for  another post, but this is radically different than the ever-changing-face-to-please-those-around-me  way I lived for the 1st 40+ years of my life. 

But only last few months am I realizing that with knowing thyself - comes power. This would be true for anyone...once you can see yourself and life with clarity, you come to know not only your limitations, but also your strengths. You can't play old ego games with yourself and deny who you are and what you are capable of once you know yourself and become aware of your true capacities with clear seeing! I have power. There, I said it. It feels weird and so I will say it again - "I have power." Gulp 

I don't mean in an egoic way, "look at me and MY greatness. I'm all that. I'm amazing and above others!"  No. Not like that. Power in the sense of the potential to impact, influence, inspire, move people. Power in the sense of the ability to cause effect. 

Omg...I have power. 😳

I started to recognize and acknowledge  this in my  post last month, "shining star". I even acknowledged in that post how foreign and awkward it felt for me to acknowledge that "maybe I'm meant to shoot through like a shooting star and influence people". And hell, that post/that song was from a moment 1 year ago where I first felt This way. I had inspired a friend to make a decision to go for his dream. I was so joyed in influencing someone else to pursue their joy. 😆😃🤗 it was a high that I will never forget   

So the real "ah ha" point here that I'm spiraling around saying is this. 👉🏽 I just noticed that my habit of telling my transformation story (mainly on Instagram but some here), and of telling over and over again how crazy my life used to be, how bad my anxiety was, etc is an indirect way of acknowledging that my reality is now the opposite. That my life now fucking rocks. That I have health and wealth and centeredness and the power to influence people. I still get anxiety triggered some days, but overall I am dramatically better!  I'm just not as comfortable yet saying how my life is now in the affirmative. My comfort zone is in telling what I'm NOT like anymore and that way avoiding actually having to say the amazing part about the present. And that is that I am centered, loved and I feel amazing. That I have health, wealth, power in knowing myself and the ability to help others. That I have it all. 

![IMG_4053.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmXeC9zJNCw6MXAVSgfBLbWEFXRTtj7krkt4p71Bnuu8ws/IMG_4053.JPG)

Few weeks ago my friend called me a "trail blazer" after I yet again humbly received her praises about how my owning and being open about my sexuality has positively influenced her own views about her sexuality. I haven't been able to reply to her "trail blazer" comment yet because being called that is so foreign to who my ego identifies as. Being a "trail blazer" is foreign to the story I'm attached to or the role that I'm more familiar in playing. 

I've been holding onto playing small and staying humble in an effort to not have to look directly at my potential power. If I acknowledge my power then what? With power comes responsibility, work, and the ability to influence people! Gah...That would be a very new role /way of living for me. I mean I've been stepping into my potential power more in the last year in being involved with opening a yoga center, but still mainly in the "awe shucks, it's nothing" way. It's not that it causes me shame, but that I don't know yet how to just relax and be comfortable with owning my power.  I'm much more comfy in the "awe shucks it's nothing. I'm just over here trying to see thru my crazies. Thanks for letting me know that me being me had any kind of pleasant influence on you. But I didn't do nothing on purpose, so I really don't deserve any credit. (Blush blush. Brush it off bashful.) "

![IMG_4048.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmQLins6aHGhEAjckMHpD9Nu1WSC7161afoTmP4VGhM7ax/IMG_4048.JPG)

It's funny because now I can see that this issue has chased me for at least 18 months. Started with my first totally anonymous blog that I started on WP 3 years ago. A few really devoted followers who told me how my words and me being me were impacting them and waking them up to their own shit. My response every time was the usual "Awe shucks. Thanks and I'm glad for you. I'm just over here working thru my crazies...". Then last year the yoga center..."awe shucks. I'm nothing. We are just providing space for my friend/co-owner/master instructor to do his thing. (Humble. Blush. Try to Avoid further praise.)" 

 So how to proceed now that I see clearly? Maybe there is great value in playing the awe shucks humble role of "I'm just trying to be my true self and keep my crazies away". Of "yes I might shine now, but let me remind you from whence I came so that you won't shame me for now letting my light shine." 👈🏽 This humble mode IS part of who I am and has been working well enough.  


![IMG_4051.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmc1gkjrfTCJLrErvTyxNP8XJAuSqUjYTXRNLCigGF94m1/IMG_4051.JPG)

Or maybe this nagging question I feel of "how now to proceed?" is life nudging me Fwd to the next level of living? I'm not looking to be anything large or famous. But I am increasingly comfortable with ...just being more and more me out loud. And if some see me as trailblazer, then I'll flow with that and not resist it. If others see me as being too much and too open, well then I will flow with that as well and let those folks have their experience and opinions. My job is to keep finding my truth and to live it.

(All photo credits, except Sarah Harvey as noted, and lots and lots of my personal growth credit go to @sean-king 🙏🏽😘)