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# It's time to shatter the stigma. 

I've been seeing therapists probably for about 6 years or so now and it was always hard for me to try and pinpoint what in the hell was wrong with me and my brain. 

Why I wasn't able to stop myself from doing certain things, no matter what i tried? Why I couldn't figure out why my mood was so damn sporadic for no reason sometimes or even why small triggers were taking such huge tolls on me?

I've always been a pretty cognitively aware person and i could usually keep myself in check but there were those times where I had no control and that's frustrating. 

About 14 months ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. It's not easy for me to admit this and only a select group of people whom i'm close with really know this. And i'll probably regret writing this in the morning. An old pornographic habit of mine has unfortunately resurfaced in about the last 7 months or so and i am not okay with it. 

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# I've struggled with self injury since I was 17 and guess what? That crap doesn't go away easily. 

I'm still constantly triggered and more often that I'd like to admit I give in to that dirty habit. It's been almost 8 years, 8 YEARS and i'm still not rid of this ghost. 

I like to think that i'm a very positive person and that i'm really optimistic and to have something deep down inside of me trying to pull me in the opposite way CONSTANTLY is exhausting. Most of the time i feel like shit. Most of the time I don't feel like I'm okay and that's because most of the time I am not okay but I still attempt to continue moving forward. 

I've been medicated a few times but ultimately I haven't been able to keep affording them. More often than I'd like to admit I find myself either fantasizing or with obstructing thoughts about graduating from this life by my own hand and sometimes I'm afraid that i won't bounce back enough to stop myself and i will ultimately meet the end of my life by my own hands. 

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# And that's terrifying to me. 

I have too many self-destructive behaviors than I would like to admit and I'm working to rid myself of them with positive behaviors. I'm an optimist, I choose to see the good in things, I try and choose to be happy through everything.

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# Most of the time this proves harder that it should be and it's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting, and a lot of the times i don't feel like continuing. 

I am not okay. Most of the time I really dislike myself and would like to rip myself to shreds. I've seen too many people close to me lose the battle to some sort of self-loathing and mental illness, and I can't help but wonder if I could have done anything if i just knew. Too many people don't reach out or speak out or are ashamed (and the ridiculous negative stigma does not help) and it is absolutely heart-breaking. 

It is not easy to reach out for help and unfortunately, I am no exception. Too many people live in pain, too many people put up walls so that other people can't tell they're suffering. Treat everyone with kindness. I am Bipolar type 2. Most of the time i am NOT okay. It's time we break the silence. 

Mental illness sucks and has taken too many from us. I struggle with reaching out and i know a lot of us do. but here I am on a public format. I really dislike profanity and a lot of people write me off until i break character and end up using it, so i apologize ahead of time and know that i do not say this lightly but please...

# SPEAK. THE. FUCK. UP. 

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Please help me break the silence. I am not okay. and a lot of us aren't, but maybe we can pull together and help each other at least manage life.

-Secret Writer