![fear.jpeg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmZAND5Cdahug9z1GP1A5HESXZ7gQ1xZYFwPjnjNarXogh/fear.jpeg)

## Look at the photo above. Notice what thoughts are going through your mind this very second. 

What do those images make you feel?

I don't know about you, but I don't like looking at the baby birds with their mouths open. It makes me feel vulnerable, scared and  nervous. I'm a very unlikely parent, as my nervous system is rather frail. I still can't believe I successfully bred. It was a bit of a fluke..... I feel much more comfortable looking at the snail inside its cozy shell.

## For me, my greatest conflict in life comes down to the war between fear and being vulnerable. 

And recently, fear has been winning. I have often tried to understand the root of this fear, and I believe it is related closely with survival. I feel these survival instincts perhaps more intensely than others mainly because I have no one protecting, taking care of or supporting me. If I make bad decisions, my family will go down with me. I have no back up, nothing preventing me from  falling, if I were to fuck up in some big way. The truth is, my only existing lifeline is in Steemit. There's nothing else.

## This thought does scare me because my _fear-mind_ poses the question, "What if Steem collapsed due to some really strange circumstance?" 

Even though I know this is not really based in logic, my own fear of survival creates this scenario. Not having anyone else to rely on for my survival makes me act in ways that only others in similar situations can understand. It is for this reason that I am propelled to constantly assess and evaluate my present course, at all times. 

# It's like being on a ship, _all the time_.

<center>https://media.giphy.com/media/3oz8xRQiRlaS1XwnPW/giphy.gif</center>


Most people think of their working lives in terms of some kind of stable graph or linear timeline. My current situation makes me think of my working life more in terms of water and chaos. The natural world is in constant flux and adaption. So is technology. And so we should be too. We have learned some very bad ways of living in the past: 401Ks, pensions, salaries, mortgages, "stable jobs", etc. All of these things are actually bad for our creative minds. I crumble under too much routine. I thrive in unknown lands, the more complicated, the better. This is one reason I chose to major in Japanese in college. My rationale was: "I'll never run out of characters to memorize."

## But it's true that our world is evolving faster than our minds can grasp the changes. 

This is because we are not nomadic and have lost touch with the natural world. Nature does erratic things. I remember 4 years ago we had a drought here. The cattle were dying and all the grass which was usually green turned brown. It was frightening and very unusual because this area is usually very wet. I have also noticed the lack of bees recently. There are subtle changes going on that I'm noticing. Everything around me is in a constant state of change. I have been training my mind to accept changes and to adapt quickly to new conditions. 

I suppose I have been doing this for over 20 years, as I began to live a semi-nomadic life  for much of my adult life. I tended to move every four years. Having a child recently has caused me to re-think this pattern but my mind is still doing this constant wandering, in search of new ideas.

# So, now we come to fear. 

Irrational fear is the killer of everything, as far as I can tell. I had a few days of absolute fear kind of take over my mind, like some virus, and it wasn't until I read one of @teamsteem's posts that I felt some kind of calmness. The fear revolves around losing my freedom. I am a complete disaster when I am working at a job that is not creative, dynamic or interesting. It's like a death sentence, and yes, I do end up becoming physically ill after a period of time doing work that doesn't utilize my creative abilities. 

## I don't have any quick solutions to tackling fear when it takes over my mind. 

<center>https://media.giphy.com/media/IYzGTQeVtSIwg/giphy.gif</center>


Since I quit drinking years ago, I tend to mull over what I think is causing my fear. I also try to formulate some kind of plan of action, in order to deal with it, if it is coming from a source that can be dealt with. Sometimes I gain new knowledge that makes my previous knowledge obsolete. This sometimes causes me to fall out with certain people, as my newly found knowledge causes interpersonal conflicts. People are very attached to ideas, and to what they think is the "truth". So, when I go in a different direction, finding out new knowledge, this is often rejected by others, due to their attachment to the old knowledge. Well, this has been happening quite a lot to my friendships, as I see that I am in search of new knowledge constantly. Gaining knowledge is the primary reason I am alive. 

## I found out that Amanda B. Johnson is taking a break from Dash. 

When I watched her last video, it felt like a farewell. I don't know what's going on with her, but for some reason it feels kind of weird. All I know is that I read over the scaling roadmap for Dash, and I got a big knot in my stomach. That's where I am at. When I read through Dan's blog about how EOS is scaling, I felt a bright and sunny feeling, like the ship is in the proper hands. 

Everything is in flux. What Coinmarketcap reveals today will be different tomorrow. I guess it's better to stay in motion always, and our fears which continually crop up will have to be managed in new ways.

Anyone who says they are fearless is either a sociopath or lying.

Remember, "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken." -famous quote

@pitter-patter surprised me by creating this image below! I am now using it when someone new redeems their Stellabelle coin on here. That was a really nice gesture, thanks @pitter-patter.

![IMG_9939.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmRBNbBkcPKM7e1BX3qtkX77ncthbLo7ApXfUjqyxYCa4q/IMG_9939.JPG)
art by @pitter-patter

_Update on #GetYourAssOnSteemit Clay Coin Project For Newbies and User Growth:_

So far 12 people have redeemed their Stellabelle coins. This has resulted in me upvoting $720 worth of posts on Steemit for newbies. If you would like to start your own #getyourassonsteemit clay coin project, here are the instructions:
https://steemit.com/getyourassonsteemit/@stellabelle/getyourassonsteemit-meme-kit-growth-idea-for-the-m00n

![steemitclose2r.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmYN6QDkrS8bwfgBMomG2U1bQqStfDzgHXZYYXWPYzztBJ/steemitclose2r.jpg)

ps: right now I have carpal tunnel in my left arm, and despite this I am still writing. It has affected my entire arm, and I will be taking some time off the computer soon to let it heal. This is one sign that I need to cut back and simplify my efforts, and decide what is important. I also need to learn how to take time off from computers.