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Taking my daughter to Helsinki for a couple nights over Easter told me something - I would like to travel with my family. She is turning 6 in a few months and we have never had a holiday away together, because the first years were too challenging with her food allergies and the last two it has been impossible anyway. She doesn't even have a passport.


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23wqwC8GRLj3qMV8bj2Uu9pU16tWmZLd2xA1Mqx2c98FAAJRT4Vpjc4Cuv1B5U3nKJvv5.png)


But, it has been more than the allergies and lockdowns, it has also been our money situation, where there is always something more important to spend it on than entertainment, which is what I  consider most travel. But, of course there is also practical value in travel too, due to the potential of what can be learned or, just the chance to get away from "everyday life" for a period of time. I do feel like I need some "getaway" at the moment. 

Of course, I am not complaining about this, as I know my life in general is better than many other people's in this world, but considering localized averages, we aren't exactly living it up here either. Also, I count myself lucky to have had the opportunity to travel quite a lot once I became an adult, and I do hope that my daughter will be able to see some of the world too and, I hope to share some of it with her. 

Today I had my treatment at the hospital and despite my daughter knowing it is a regular occurrence, she spends a lot of time checking and double-checking the reason why and how long it will take. It draws a lot of energy (physical and mental) from me in the first week after treatment, and I was laying on the bed when she came home from daycare and the first thing she asked was how it went at the hospital. It obviously weighs on her mind. 

We have had many, many hospital trips over the last six years and I am pretty sure we have filled our quota as a family for a lifetime. For me, this is a reminder that regardless of what I might want in life, life tends to have other plans for us and I have to be prepared to not live to that average age most will - there isn't always tomorrow

Last year I had a stroke that has impacted upon me in many ways and who knows what this is going to mean for me in the coming years, as I know it already affects my job and is going to put somewhat of a ceiling on future promotion potential, at least in the areas I ~~am~~ was suited for prior to the stroke. But, it also impacted on my personality, my patience and my ability to enjoy life in many ways. It is weird to know this and still have so little control over the conditions - but I don't expect anyone to understand what I mean by this.

However, while many people might be inclined to take the "you only live once" approach and do all they can with what they have available, I live with the understanding that while life might end tomorrow, it is not likely to and, even if it ends for me, it is likely my wife and daughter will survive me by decades. A holiday away doesn't make me a better parent, and for young kids, they aren't going to remember much anyway and what they remember, is rarely what parents wish they'd remember.

On the weekend I asked my daughter if she had a time machine, what would she want to do again and for her, it was to go back to the beach we visited last year and swim. That is easy to do - I can make that time machine event happen - *weather permitting.* But I wonder if I asked her in 10 years from now, would she want the same? Well, that depends on what happens in the next decade, doesn't it? But, I hope that a beach trip isn't the only highlight to come and she will have many more options to choose from. 

I don't know - I always seem to be fighting against my urge to do what I want and my belief that doing only what I want is going to lead to a dark place. At least in my experience, the more we do what we want, the harder life becomes, as the resources start to dwindle, but our appetite doesn't. Many talk of "balance" in these areas, but who defines what that balance should be and if we are making this decision for ourselves, how can we know that we are making a good decision, or one biased through the influence of our own desires? 

Even my head and body saying "you need a holiday" raises the question of, *do I really?* Is it really a "need" or am I just succumbing to the marketing, being influenced by those around me, being led to belief that I need a holiday, even though I don't? Afterall, many people live a whole lifetime without having a holiday - is it a bad life?

>Good life - Bad life

Who decides? 

I guess each of us plays the role of accountant in this regard, but I get the sense that we largely crowdsource our opinions on which, and in a world of social media and cherrypicked examples, it is pretty easy to feel that the life we are leading is not up to scratch - that we *deserve* better.

Who decides what we deserve?  

I dunno... I overthink life too much and perhaps I should just give up on it and sit in front of a TV watching whatever happens to come on. It seems that lots of people are happy doing this kind of thing, so why couldn't it make me happy too? 

Would I still feel like I need a holiday?

*A getaway from doing nothing.*

Seems like a problem for many.

Well, as you can see - my mind is a little tired and probably does need some time for itself - but every two months after I have my treatment I get the opportunity to write under a different set of mental and physical conditions and, I like to see what comes to mind - and what doesn't.

> *To sleep, perchance to dream.*

The dream got away.


Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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