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A friend of mine the other day, was asking me about midlife crises, and what I think is the cause of them. He is around thirty years of age, so 15 years younger than myself, and we have been talking about various aspects of life, past, present and future. Compared to most of the other people in his age group, he takes quite an interest in these things, which is natural, as due his role, he spend more time with people who are a bit longer in the tooth and have deeper experience. So, it is natural to be drawn into conversations that he might not have had with people in his own age group around topics like mortgages, divorces, bodies breaking down with age and the challenges people face as we get older.  

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23xeZ7PTDKC7bwpCq1yPdBPVgUALuMZq6YZDySp7TnbZqQJwXp2Mp4guPYjViRGeaUB94.png)

I don't know what causes midlife crises in people, but I can guess at it based on my experiences personally, as well as those of my friends, as there seems to be patterns. What I think is the main reason for it is that as we age, our circumstances change, our responsibilities and obligations shift, and the things that become important to us at different stages of our life, shift also. 

When we are young, perhaps we are more interested in having a good time, and while this might not go away as we age, there are more pressures on us to meet obligations and needs, like family, housing and career. This means that we have tradeoffs, opportunity costs to consider. To do one, we can't do another. To have this, we can't have that too.  

But, it isn't necessarily this that drives the midlife crisis, but rather the glimpse into the future of what life might look like down the track. Do we want to be the stuffy person, or do we want to recapture some of that possibility of the past? And, what of our relationships, are they still suitable for our future vision, considering that they were developed in a time where we were quite different in our wants and needs. 

For example, a friend of mine recently went through a divorce, even though technically everything was okay in his marriage. There were no major dramas and i was comfortable. However, they had been together since college, and this meant that when they met and who they are 25 years later, has changed. And, this can create problems, because while a person can have the right attributes to meet needs of one stage of life, that same person might not have the right attributes for another stage of life.

For instance, at 20 a person might have that adventurous spirit that is so attractive, but at 50, they might not be interested in having the deep philosophical discussions their partner craves. And, even if they both try to satisfy each other's needs, it doesn't mean it is possible for them to do so, as it could be like needing someone to be good at art, then thirty years later, needing them to be good at math instead.

Of course, we can't *expect* people to meet our needs, but we also can't be *expected* to stay in relationships that are unable to meet our needs either, right? And it is these kinds of questions that we might start to raise in our minds as we get older, and circumstances start to highlight some of the disconnects and we ask ourselves, 

> Is there more to life than...?

Where I think the value is in having this understanding about a *potential* future, is being able to be more attentive and intentional with behavior when younger. For example, my younger friend is in a new relationship, but is also thinking about his future and whether he wants to have kids or not. He is already looking ahead. But, it is also worth understanding that people change over time and the way we feel about something now, might not be the way we feel about it in the future, including the way we feel about someone we are with. And, while there are no guarantees as to how we or they are going to change, it is worth reflecting on the idea that we either *grow together, or grow apart.* 

It really is the only two options for a relationship over time, and if we feel that a person is the one we want to be with for the foreseeable future, acknowledging this can help us stay more attentive, and act earlier to course correct, before the gap between is seemingly too large to close.

The midlife crisis is caricaturized with the balding man buying a sports car, but both men and women go through these phases, even if it presents in different ways. However, what I believe is that a large part of it comes down to the relationships we have in our lives and whether we feel satisfied enough in them to compromise on the other questions we have raised. With a good relationship, it doesn't matter what kind of car, it doesn't matter what is happening at work, because there is support in the relationship, a place to be comfortable and to raise these kinds of questions, and discuss them openly. With a good relationship, crisis is averted. 

But a good relationship isn't built at the time of the potential crisis, it is invested into over the span of years, and has built trust and shared experience into its folds. It is years of growing together, rather than drifting apart, or running parallel, as if the other person isn't going to change as well.

We should all reflect on the relationships we keep and what we want out of them, because it can help us discover what we are willing to put into them. If we aren't willing to put in, the flame will do and the lights go out.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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