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I thought I was just tired, but it seems I didn't miss the plague of 700 colleagues gathered together after all, there was just some lag in the spread. So, today I am at home with (probably) Covid for perhaps the 4th or 5th time or so over the last few years. It isn't so bad however, but I have had some strange aches and pains that have kept me up throughout the night, even with painkillers. I probably shouldn't have worked the week so far, but I haven't felt *that terrible.* 

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23xf1AaxquxskVoPcmLijBiyCiGupMpDVe2yAf7UrnM1GuYPBLitk5BSE6UyAHnRPVQgg.png)

It means that I have a bit of a day off to bum around the house alone, do a little cleaning perhaps, and maybe dive into some writing, though my mental processing abilities are even more severely hampered at the moment. A little foggy, which is due the fever or the illness, or the tiredness. I did sleep in an extra couple hours, which was a rare bonus. 

Lately, I have been thinking a little about what I should do with my life, which sounds a bit like a midlife crisis. I turn 45 next month, so I guess I am due. However, midlife crises are not what they used to be it seems, as when I was young, those who had them changed their clothing style, and bought a convertible sports car. I can't even afford to change my clothing style, let alone get a new car. So, what can I change? 

 > Not much.

I have been looking at my career path though, and looking at the options that might be available to me within the company I work for. I don't really want to get stuck into a corner where I have nowhere to move, as the changes in tech and business processes are moving so rapidly, that very few jobs are going to last in their current form, even a decade from now. With at least two decades still to come before retirement, stagnating professionally isn't going to cut it.

Ideally, I would hope to be in a situation where I wouldn't need to worry about having a well-paying job to make ends meet. This would be possible if for example, crypto markets boomed, and I was able to take some percentage of it to pay off debts like the mortgage, buy a small investment property to rent out, and have a little padding in generative investments to bring in some additional income streams. Under this scenario, I would be able to do a simple, averagely-paid job, and still live comfortably, and cater for my family. 

> It seems so far away, if even possible at all.

Perhaps ultimately, I would like to be in the position where it doesn't matter for my family if I am providing or not, meaning that they are covered either way. Since having a stroke, I have become more aware of how important this is to me, and I feel that after the last couple years, I am now entering into another phase of the process, where after the initial shock and recovery, I have to get more serious, and more systematic in my approach. 

The first part of this, is working out more precisely what I am looking to accomplish, and at what level. By doing this, it is then possible to consider what is actually needed to accomplish those goals. For instance, a lot of people want "financial independence" but haven't really sketched out what that means for them. What ends up happening is that the actions toward it are random and haphazard, and while they can *feel* like they are heading in the right direction, don't necessarily align that way. As a result, people think that they are trying hard and doing the right things, but not getting the results they are after, which leaves a taste of disappointment, and often bitterness.

> I don't want to be a bitter, old man.

And I think that it is going to be increasingly common that people are feeling this way, as they have been sucked into the conditioning of what makes a good life, without actually investigating if it fits for them or not. People chase a career at the expense of a family, or a family at the expense of freedom, or freedom at the expense of meaning, without discovering what their mown requirements are, their own purpose. 

I have come to the *current* conclusion, that it is better to act with purpose, even if it ultimately results in failure, than to be successful at meeting the goals of our social conditioning. The alignment of the conditioning makes a small amount of people extremely wealthy, but the majority of people left questioning why they lived at all, making up reasons and backdating. 

>That is sad, in my opinion. 

I don't know where my midlife crisis will take me, or whether it is even a midlife crisis at all, or just a natural reevaluation of what is important in life. But, I do think it is better to consider these things now, rather than letting them fester under the surface until it is too later, because at this point, there is still a chance for change. 

The bitterness comes when realizing, it is all too late. 


Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]



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