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I have a rare skill. Perhaps a singular skill, the only one with the ability in the world. If scarcity connotes value, then I might have one of the rarest resources in the world. It should mean that I am able to leverage it, sell it, make a million dollars, a billion - the problem is that in order for something to really be valuable, it has to be tradeable, it has to be transferrable in some way, applied to something. I haven't found a way to do that with this skill.

> I can clear my mind in an instant. 

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/243MJC5YbT2gvaLp9mw82FmjJ3T5PNb2dpdbSH83c4GEdnovNvU2i3Rb3doQRChNg3ZiG.png)

> What good is that?

This is the only "gift" the stroke gave me three years ago, and it is pretty useless. Because I have largely lost the ability to automate the visualization process in my brain, every thing I want to "see", I have to build manually from the various pieces I have available *in my awareness.* It is an active process, and a deeply flawed process, because if I am missing a piece, there is no way for me to get the feeling that it is missing. Not only that, it is highly energy intensive, so "thinking" take a mountain of work for me.

> But I can switch off.

The ability to make my mind blank, just by "doing nothing" with my brain, allows me to just go blank, be thoughtless. And while most people would *love to be able* to do the same on command, it is not all it is cracked up to be. The opportunity to avoid anything and everything is always present. It is like always being able to mentally be on the couch, rather than get up and do something that you know is going to be hard, but not be overly valuable. 

But, there is no rest in that blank space, as there is no recovery going on. All it seems to save is the energy usage, but there is no relaxation, no benefit. If anything, it is more stressful, because it just puts everything on hold, but the rest of life keeps moving forward, keeps progressing, and when I activate again, I am even further behind.

> What shitty superpower. 

The only real benefit is that if someone is being a dick, or talking about something I don't want to listen to, I am able to just tune it out, shut it out, become still - feel nothing, because I hear nothing. But again, this comes with the problem that we are made to feel uncomfortable by things that challenge us, even if they are things we would benefit from. And until it is heard and reflected upon, our brain doesn't know if there is value or not.

People spend copious amounts of money going to see some guru at an ashram in India to learn how to clear their mind, find inner peace.  Or they spend even more to go to do it in Los Angeles. Yet, do they really understand what they are doing, what they are seeking, what peace they want?

I can be "at peace" in an instant and pay zero attention to the outside world, but what good does that do me? What good does it do anybody else? What is the point of being able to do be content doing nothing, and where is the value of life in that? People are born, they have eighty-odd years on this earth, and they spend that time looking for ways to do nothing?

> It is ridiculous. 

I have a scarcity mindset, whether it be through nature or the largely unnurtured childhood I had. But, I now also have a brain that is scarce, that is unique, that has an ability that very few people are able to accomplish, even after years of practice. Yet, even as you read this, and there will likely be people who will believe *they can do similar,* I would posit that they are full of shit, like the people who think they know what heaven is like. 

The only lesson that being able to switch my thinking off has given me, is that I more strongly believe that I *have to think more.* Even though it is energy intensive, even though it is fractured and degraded, even though I am unable to think they way I could earlier, and even though my thoughts might not be worth much to anyone at all. 

We live in a world of streams of content, eternal consumption, but how many are developing through it, how many are diving into it at depth, looking at what actually matters in this world, and how many are consuming mindlessly, thoughtlessly? People often talk about "buying experience" - but what good is experience unapplied to something that matters?

>Is living thoughtlessly, living at all?

Scarce as it is, I don't have a *mind of gold.*
I am not sure if I have a mind at all. 


Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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