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Tomorrow morning I will have my first, *full* delivery, which is a training that prior to having the stroke, I could deliver in my sleep and almost have. It is a fun session with a lot of interplay with the audience and problem solving for them and is about getting a project team up to speed on terminology, structure and potential feature integration. Today I spent most of the day prepping for it and I am quite nervous, considering that I used to be able to walk in 15 minutes before session start, change a few slide titles and swing the bat.  

![OI000191.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/246aJEZSQExuRjdRkYgTW3fcH3TGhFhLroPSE1cB5kLVnBLvuRGL9cNNGuffogvYcp2nx.jpg)

Everything takes more effort now and takes more energy out of me, leaving me worn out from activities that used to barely scratch the surface. Not all activities have this impact, but many where it requires a lot of my attention and focus, as I tend to mentally fade far faster. It is kind of like having to do "brain work" after being awake for 36 hours, making it far more strenuous than it ought to be.

This leaves me always somewhat tired and I wonder to myself whether I will ever have the experience of feeling refreshed again, or if I will continually live through a semi-fugue state, not ever fully present. Regardless of what happens though, life goes on and as I tell my daughter while playing UNO, we have to play the cards we are dealt the best we can. Sometimes we will win, sometimes lose, but if we play well enough, we can tip the scale in our favor more often than not with good process. 

I am still struggling to find my process in terms of my delivery methodology and just living life in general, as it seems that I have changed in personality enough that the "power through" me isn't quite as powerful. This is quite limiting considering how I used the ability in the past, as I was able to be a workhorse across various work domains without them bleeding into each other. Now, things are far less compartmentalized and the opportunity-cost of doing one of the other takes its toll.

It has been an interesting experience to be both driver and passenger simultaneously however, and I think I have been able to learn more about myself or at least, get a different perspective of what my life was and could have been. I wonder, if I was ignorant to my current state and this had always been my norm, where would I be today? I don't imagine I would be better off, though having no other experience, I might not feel so bad off either. *ignorance is bliss.*

But, I *do realize* my limitations quite acutely and it is one of those things that is with me every time I am conscious, and sometimes when I am not. For example, last night I had a dream where I was trying to do something but I was unable to because I couldn't find a solution to a simple problem. In the dream I was aware of why and frustrated by the loss of my ability to do what was so easy earlier. It must be how old people feel when they are at that stage where they are aware of their degradation and notice how far they are from "their bests" of the past.

Of course, best has to be applied to the moment, not the past, but it is easier said than done. I try to remind myself of what has transpired and why I have changed, but honestly, it is little comfort. Perhaps this sounds like I am "feeling sorry for myself" but that is not the case at all. This actually helps me process circumstances and if I am ever to overcome the limitations through their acceptance, I feel this is the way to do it. 

A lot of people I have talked to have told me to "take my mind" off it, but they don't understand that my mind is literally constantly reminding me, almost tauntingly. Avoidance and distraction isn't going to help other than give brief respite, but as soon as the entertainment ends, my brain will again kick in the sharp reminder of its inflicted limitations. Distraction only last as long as distracted, there is no running away.

Logically, I know I am in a far better position under these circumstances than many however, and although I am restricted, I am not useless. At least for now, I also don't feel the pressure that I don't have options but I think this would be far more stressful if I felt I had to rely on a single source of income doing a task that I was able to perform well. If this had happened five years ago for example, what would I have done?

The cards dealt are what they are, but this is also the reason it is important to do our best to create good processes and of course, some kind of risk mitigation. When it comes to personal income, my process has changed heavily from a power through thick and thin approach, to a ore diversified profile, with a couple of jobs and of course now, the potential for something to come in from investments. It doesn't cover all risks of course, but there is at least some peace of mind I get from it.

This means that while I am nervous about tomorrow's training event, I am not stressed by the thought of it. While I have done all the preparation I can do, if I do not perform well enough, I will forgive myself, find where I was lacking and develop a process to shore up the holes. In time, I will at least *appear* to be more like myself, even though that voice in my head will constantly remind me that it isn't the case at all, especially when it leads me into another trap. 

Trap or no trap ahead, in life we can only go forward.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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