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I go through stages at the moment, where sometimes I feel thing are going to be okay, and other times I believe that it is all going to come crashing down around me. There are many aspects to this, but I do sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that I *should* have a better life than I do, if I was just a little *luckier.*

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23xL4zuZ5seisKndeUNq4HheQPByDaHqNS77rHbGhEXjeZ6qtfoFd6UszhKQEVXMeev3y.png)

> The universe owes me nothing.

I know it. It doesn't give a shit, because it is unaware of existence, let alone *my existence.* It is easy for humans to put human traits onto non-human - especially concepts we can't fully comprehend, like the nature of nature. It is hard to understand that nature is timeless, that it is ever-present, and it is unaware. We talk about the "wisdom" of nature, as if it has a working memory that applies the past to the present with a future goal in mind. Yet, that is ridiculous.

> So we make up a god.

I think it is hard for us to come to terms with randomness and the meaninglessness of our existence as individuals, sow e come up with ways to aggrandise ourselves, and our species. It is hard for us to see ourselves as just animals that won some kind of genetic lottery, where randomness split a gene that set off a chain-reaction of development. But knowing this doesn't help live a good life either.

> Or does it?

Perhaps it does. If life is meaningless and it is what we make of it, then we don't really have anything to lose. Sure, if everything goes to shit there will be plenty of judgement from other people - but they don't matter either. And since the universe doesn't give a fuck - may as well swing for the fences. 

But I find it hard to swing for the fences, because I care what happens to my wife and daughter and I care *what they think of me* now and in the future. And while the job requires more than being a financial provider, it *does* require providing *some* finances. And while I am doing that currently - it isn't enough. 

> Should I keep swinging for the fences?

It is a funny thing in society, because we really only celebrate success, not the attempt. When it works, people talk about all the energy and effort and the persistence it took to achieve the win. When it doesn't, it is just another idiot who took too many risks rather than playing it safe and providing for his family. 

> But if luck plays a part....

I feel like I just need to weather the storm of the current economy and situation, but it looks like it is going to be a heavy and protracted event. And I don't know if I have the resources to make it through - especially the energy. For a while now I have felt like a lot of cards aren't falling my way, and the resilience to keep bouncing back and keep on going is wearing thin. 

> But what choice is there?

*Just keep trying.*

It might not matter in the grand scheme of things, and I might drown in the storm regardless - but it might mean something for my wife and daughter, even though I may ultimately fail. If I do succeed though, I will be under no illusion. 

> It wasn't me.

*Just dumb luck.*

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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