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Yesterday I was working from a café, today I am working from a stranger's bed. 

> I have been in many stranger's beds before - I rarely got paid for it.

Well, this one is an AirBnB bed, as we stayed here last night on short notice, and will be kicked out of here on Thursday. I have been sitting on the bed all day, with the laptop on a pulled out wardrobe drawer, and it isn't ideal. However, we all seemed to sleep better last night, probably because it feels more like a home, than a hotel room. 

There are *supposedly* people coming to thaw the pipes this evening, and hopefully they will be able  to do something so that we can get back in the house. 



![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23xATT3Y6VuL1gjSP81p48f3sp3JWPud1FMyGMGx4fUyEzeLHaEjBMgzT8yJRszFxggAb.png)


>The disruption is "affecting" us.

Smallsteps is tired of the adventure and after living out of a suitcase without all of the excitement of a holiday, the novelty is wearing thin. She has been doing remarkably well for a seven year old though, and I can't really blame her for getting frustrated, as we are too. My wife probably has the hardest time, as she is also the one talking with all the various stakeholders to sort the mess out, as well as find time to work in less than ideal conditions. At least she got a chair to sit in today though, and a desk yesterday. 

For me, the disruption is a bit different perhaps, as everything takes more thought energy than it should, so I find ways to lighten the cognitive load by structuring my processes so they are a bit more thoughtless.  This includes my ways of working across different environments, and now all of them have been broken simultaneously, increasing the load tremendously. Perhaps it might be a bit like the traffic if all the bridges in New York are blocked, except one. 

> *Too much, trying to fit into not enough room.*

Mental management is important at the best of times, but it is vital for me now, as mismanagement has such an affect on my behavior. Even my supervisor has noticed the change in my body language, as I have become more "nervous" in some way, where my body just doesn't relax, it is always restless. This is a reflection of my mind of course, which feels very disconnected and out of place, like a boat moving through stormy seas, with a broken rudder.

>Or a poor captain.

*Probably the latter in my case.* 

It is weird to be in this position of a disrupted mind, because I have spent most of my life dealing with uncertainty and improving myself so this wouldn't happen. However, I couldn't have anticipated the stroke (at a young age at least), and no one knows exactly how a stroke is going to affect, so it is impossible to fully prepare for. All that we can do post-event, is what we can, which doesn't usually mean improvement, but rather, negative mitigation. It is an attempt to reduce the harm, not do more good. 

It has been two and a half years since the stroke and I thought I was doing quite well overall, but the last few days have shown that I have a long way to go, and possibly, I will never be able to get there. While I can improve my processes to mitigate negative disruptive change and build an environment that facilitates whatever my best may be, there is no way to remove uncertainty altogether. This means that there is always a chance that all of my failsafe structures, *fail.*

And this is essentially where I am at the moment, where nearly all my mental failsafes have failed, except my ability to write about them. If I couldn't do this, I am not sure what my mind would anchor upon. Writing gives me a familiar mental rock to grip onto when the waves are swirling. It is a place to escape from the disruption, but not far enough to avoid it entirely and instead, step back and explore it.

>Avoidance only postpones.

These disruptions are just part of every day life, so avoiding them is not the answer, as eventually the problems will rear their head again, often worse than they were the first time. Exploring the issues from a distance however, provides me with the mental space and perhaps a little bit of indirect rest, that gives some insight and clarity. When I walk back into the surf, I am a little stronger, a little more stable, a little more resilient. It is an imperfect approach, but if I could achieve perfection, I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. 

I might be working from a stranger's bed for a few days, but at least in the evenings, I can relax in a stranger's sauna too. I will go warm it up now.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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