Before anything else, I'll have you know that I was secretly wishing for death on the first day of this year. That the January unexpected cold weather found a dying soul here. I had had my heart ripped from this chest two months prior and I felt like death was more welcome than healing and rebuilding trust. 

February swept in and out like a quick destructive wave. Nothing made sense. I became disoriented for a while and I am not sure how I kept mothering. I had already lost my soulmate and there I was losing contracts and what had been some solid income-generating gigs. 

March drowned me while also stirring my interest in crypto in a major way since I joined the chain in mid-2017. 

April placed a blade against my throat and had me renouncing my pride. Life bluntly extended my bruised ego a lesson that it still finds unfair. And to think it is tied with my youngest son's passage hence leaving an imprint here for the rest of my overly overthought life. 

May brought in seventeen for my bestie and my desire to be the one who sweeps her off her feet before her soul worries about another one doing such always fuel my search for better all around. 

Light started streaming through the cracks and the work on self began.

June was cold and full of so many life-changing decisions. The balance rocked often but the will to vacate my comfort zone burned down everything. I stepped out in fear and my feet found themselves standing on shaky grounds. 

So July doubled my rent and my ninety-nine problems. The gaps my comfort zone had stuffed behind the confining walls glared at my formerly blinded ambitions. I craved filling every one of them, I still do.  

August dragged in the reality check on my shrinking cheque. I was reaching out to find help when death reached out for my grandfather's soul. It left me damaged and drained. My body fought to house my brokenness as my spirit clung to dear life. 

My health deteriorated in hours and I lost weight within minutes. I couldn't eat or sleep. A notable percentage of my energy left my weak bones and nothing could recharge them. It was like I ceased living for a minute or two and all I could do was float in between here and there. 

September found me grieving. Its days were filled with traumatic episodes behind the faked smiles and the 'I am doing so much better thank you' mask. It brewed solitude and wethered stormy days. 

Crypto reached out like the handful of souls that checked in on mine. I rode the researching wave while the depressive one was on her hourly leaves. Sometimes, they were both on board and I could see how yesterday's tears can blur tomorrow's fears. 

October became the moon and shone a bit in the dark. I guess the rough season had nothing on my time to flip a new page and as I shed the last patches of my old skin, I decided to cultivate whatever positive energy that is left here. 

And so my dear November, you have found a weary being trying to resuscitate her spark. As you can see, the past many months have embodied emotional and financial warfare. They have crucified what was left of a resourceful confident soul. Do you have comforting days ahead? I wonder. 

<sub>**wambuku w.**</sub>

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