I was inspired to write this piece by @galenkp who wrote about how to get out of a sinking car. You can find his article here.
https://steemit.com/prepping/@galenkp/got-that-sinking-feeling

### Stay Alive
This is an article that will help you have your best chance of surviving in life. Life can be scary, and unpredictable things can happen, so it's important to be prepared and have the tools and knowledge available that will give you the best opportunity to make it through alive. 

![photo-1519793945311-767397088877.jpg](https://gateway.ipfs.io/ipfs/QmZhXHjVRZ6HMzUJWQAUas63eCD2Dg5E8ScaLubJQ47fFF)
Source: [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/photos/kDP7wk1cJLo)

Remember, there any many scenarios that could play out and you should be ready for as many of them as possible. I'm not saying that you need to start taking small doses of Iocaine powder on the off-chance that you must "go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line." However, if you have it available and your doctor gives you the thumbs up, that's another weapon in your arsenal. 

> The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…
> Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4-5

### OUT of Your Control

Yes, there are going to be many things over which you will have no control. All you can do is try to acquire the skills to be ready to mitigate the damage and get out in one piece. 
- @galenkp mentioned a nuclear warhead detonating as a potential scenario. There's not much you can do for that. I hear the material "lead" is helpful in containing the blast, but that's just hearsay and I can't recommend you start eating lead in the hopes of building a nuclear shield. You could carry a cast-iron bathtub or refrigerator around with you though! 

- Another scenario out of your control is when you mother-in-law comes to visit. There's nothing you can do to prevent that from happening. All you can do is attempt to let the situation cause the *least* amount of damage possible. Remember, you can't "go away on a guy's weekend" with your buddies. That will cause more than minimum damage to you. No, in the case of your mother-in-law coming to visit, your best course of action is to shoot yourself in head with a nailgun. Make sure you're working on a project where a nailgun is actually required, and then find a nice spot of your brain that you won't really miss. Maybe the part that still remembers your hairstyle in college. 

- The last scenario we'll talk about that is out of your control is *when* the chicken revolt will occur. Trust me, friend, it's going to happen. We don't know when those little buggers are going to take over, but sooner or later, we're all going to have to answer for our crimes against chickenity. The best things you can do now are to carry pouches of chicken feed in your pockets so you can feed them whenever you see them, and to publicly denounce Chick-fil-A. Actually, their waffle fries are *delicious!* Never mind on the last one. You'll probably be eaten by the chicken overlords anyways. 

### IN Your Control

Okay, now we get to it! These are things you can actively control, and controlling them correctly will increase your chance of survival.  Here are three tips that are most-likely to help you survive:

- Marry an MMA fighter
I cannot stress this enough. There will likely be physical confrontation in the disastrous future on which this whole article is predicated. The quickest, easiest way to be prepared is to marry someone who is already prepared. Whether it's a roundhouse kick to the face or a volley of blows from two ridiculously-quick fists, you need someone who can emphatically shut down physical threats. By winning so dramatically, the chances of other people attacking your drop significantly. Although, do be aware of bullets, so make sure you still have some bulletproof vests.

- Don't cover yourself in steaks and try to outrun a pack of lions. 
It's a tempting, but ultimately unfruitful endeavor. You're better off eating the steaks and watching the lions from a respectful distance after walking through piranha-infested waters after shaving your legs. Don't ask me how I know... or ask me to get anything from the top shelf.

#### Most Important Tip!!!
- Stay Out of A Horror/Thriller Movie
Do NOT under *any* circumstances, get yourself into a horror/thriller movie. It's the absolute worst decision you could make in your soon-to-be-short life. Whatever other decisions you've made or are considering making, just don't do this one thing. Yes, you might make less money over the course of your life, but what good is money if you don't have a head attached? Or how would you use that cash if "your arms are off?" I understand that for most of you this is going to be a surprise and shock, but it's the safest course of action, and the thing that is most likely to keep you from dying prematurely. There you have it: if Stephen King comes calling, don't answer... or maybe give him your mother-in-law's number. 
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### - What's *Your* #1 Tip for Survival?

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Disclaimer: Not life advice. Do your own research. This article is for entertainment purposes and is not an encouragement to follow or not follow any advice listed above. It is recommended that you consult professionals before attempting anything dangerous. This article is satire, so it's not professional advice. Use Wisdom if you have it, common sense if you don't. You're responsible for your own decisions. 

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