4 years ago I was the in a state of complete bliss.  I would walk down the steeets and see nothing but beauty.  I sat and watched people and scenery and felt my heart overflowing with joy. I had wonderful friends surrounding me. I was thankful for every moment. 

 Ironically, I was nearly homeless.  I slept on flea infested sofas and was only able to sleep a bare minimum in such  an inconvenient lodging.  I was truly happy but I was powerless, disconnected from society, and not very convinced I would be able to live a long and healthy life.

Fast forward one year.  I had moved to a new city to change my situation.  I worked full time and felt the stress of the working life deeper than I cared to.  I felt totally alone and depressed.  I had lots of money suddenly but I would waste big chunks on it on fleeting moments that reminded me of how I had felt before. "This is only temporary" I said.  Eventually my body couldn't take any more and I quit, spending all my funds on trying to heal my body, forced back into a life similar to the one I had before.  Happy but disempowered.

This has been a cycle I have been seeing in my life since the time I was young.  I try to be content with myself and find myself disconnected from others, unable to really make a change or be appreciated, not able to reap the benefits of any of the love that I share.  Then I'll go back to doing things "their way" and  I'll find I have the power and ability to influence, but that I am no longer myself, no longer on my path, a sell out without a purpose.  And so I quit and the cycle continues.

![IMG_1649.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmWTUCcqZnP7Xkhzg8PvG1netS7B4cVLVWXUU7RomHS3Z7/IMG_1649.JPG)
[image link](https://static.pexels.com/photos/158607/cairn-fog-mystical-background-158607.jpeg)

Recently, however, something has changed.  As I have mentioned in some recent posts, I've tried to eliminate judgement from my inner dialogue.  I've almost completely stopped trying to fight what's outside and put my energy entirely into balancing what is inside.

This has allowed me to see the lessons in everything that happens.  What I perceive as negative is actually just there to challenge me to rise above it.  I rise above it by accepting it as part of my current situation but remaining firm in my vision and purpose, letting go of fear and insisting on loving life whatever happens.  As soon as I do that, if I do it effectively, it no longer has any power over me and promptly moves out of my way.  It seems I've finally found a way to break the cycle.

The first time I found inner peace, when I was poor and broken, I would accept anything at came and leave it to that.  I stopped exherting any force on my situation in order to avoid any kind of resistance.  And so I was totally content no matter what, but my situation kept getting worse.  Later I tried to exert force and found myself completely incontent but with that power I had been missing.  

Now when I see something I don't like, I don't define it as bad.  I recognize it as something I do not enjoy and would like to move away from.  I don't get any of my emotions wrapped up in it, denying it any power over me.  This allows me to keep my inner peace without succumbing to the whims of the outside.  I can expert my force on such a thing without letting it have power over me and so I can actually work towards removing that unwanted thing.

My days are filled with positivity and beauty again but now I am able to sculpt them to my liking.  There are still roadblocks along ground the way but each serves as a lesson to catapult me even further into my dreams!


*As these ideas are still finding the words I will have to write a part 2 once I find them.  I hope this will be helpful in its current form for now though.*

---

![IMG_1406.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmeh5hh7vBLYRzGE89xRmkUgDypmTvQ2yNbxgD8ZdEZoo4/IMG_1406.JPG)

####   Join the "Be Awesome" community
The Be Awesome discord chat, was created with the intention of making deeper connections with fellow steemians.    Come talk about "deep shit",  practice languages or make friends.

## [Be Awesome discord channel](https://discord.gg/BzJXrcQ)

### [thetree](https://www.patreon.com/thetree123)  - Confessions of the Damaged (a collection of short stories)