There's always a reason..
untalented·@xmaas·
0.000 HBDThere's always a reason..
Whether good things or bad things happen to you or the ones you love and care about, there's always a reason. Very few have the gift of foresight to see where things are headed. Most of us just have to take our chances with what we're dealt in life and then take a few moments to look back and see the reasons of why. Whether it's God or the Universe or some higher power that you believe in, or even just chance, there is an order to things in what seems like total mayhem and chaos. From an early age my mom used to tell me that there was a reason for everything, and that I just needed to look at the outcomes from different perspectives. Some of the things that affected me ended up affecting others. As I look back at my decisions in life, I see a pattern..well, many patterns interlocking. One of the decisions I made was to have my back fixed. It was extremely unstable and the slightest knock to the lower back could've crippled me for life, or so the doctors told me. It wasn't an easy decision and I was told by multiple people that I was making a huge mistake. I see where things went and where they could've gone. I look back on that one decision and wonder what my life would've been like if I had just held off on the surgery for twenty years. My youngest child would not have been born. That is the biggest reason why I'm okay with how things turned out. A set of smaller imperceptible situations, or an intricate plan was under way unbeknownst to me. I could've gone a long time without the surgery and in hindsight I should've waited, but I didn't. For some reason, I thought it would be better to have the surgery right then. I was pretty healthy, a little overweight at the time, but still very muscular and strong and healthy. Recovering from the surgery was going to be much easier than if I had waited. These little decisions changed my whole life. After the surgery I was forced to take easier jobs. One of the jobs I took was working at a paint store that sold professional grade paint to professional painters for big jobs like offices, apartments and housing developments. I would mix the paint, make suggestions for products, color match the paints, stock the shelves, sort the inventory, use the register, etc. that sort of thing. This was about three or four years after my back surgery. One the clerks and I were on really good terms as friends and he and his wife were expecting their first child. We would talk about child rearing and family and so on at work. I already had three children by this time, but after talking to my friend I started wanting another child. Work went on, I enjoyed my time there until my shoulder pulled a rotator cuff and I needed surgery for that. I was convalescing when I started talking to my wife about having just one more child. The other three had turned out so well, I just wanted one more. She was amenable to the idea. From the conversation I had with my friend to the time we started trying for our last child each event felt like it was preordained, prepackaged, or like a set of instructions that my subconscious was working on. I wouldn't have been there for that conversation with my friend if not for the events that led me there. The back surgery was literally life altering. A course adjustment set forth by some unseen entity. Unseen, but noticed by me. I felt the subtle nudges in certain directions from time to time. My conscious mind didn't register them until afterwards, but the subconscious noticed and went along for the ride. If it hadn't been for those subtle nudges, my son wouldn't have been here. He is pretty amazing. I even had a dream, a few years before he was born, that told me his name. It was a foretelling or a message from God. It sat in the back of my mind and percolated along as time went by. Finally, when the time came around to name the newborn child, a boy, I had the exact name given to me by the dream sequence. In the dream, I was at a fun pep-rally at a middle school. I was with my wife and children. I stepped out into the stairwell to get some fresh air, because with so many bodies in the gym the air heats up and gets humid. Suffocating. I stepped out and saw my mom holding my baby. She said "Shh, Danny is sleeping." She turned to show me the sleeping child and my mind went crazy wondering if it was a boy or a girl. I was excited! I love kids. She handed the bundle to me and disappeared back into the gym.  My mind worked on whether it was Daniel or the feminine version Dañiel or just Danny, but somehow I knew it was the masculine Daniel. Like Daniel from The Holy Bible. It was one of those weird mile marker dreams. It was the kind you'd see on a mall map, "YOU ARE HERE". It stuck. I can still see the dream as though it was just a moment ago. I told my wife about this weird dream halfway through the pregnancy and she was simply floored. Surprised. So, we had a name to go by. He has a completely different name, but his nickname is Danny. That's just what we call him.  I remember asking my elder son if he wanted a little brother and he jumped for joy and said "Yes!" I remember telling my eldest daughter that we were expecting and her Classic response was, "Oh no! Not again!" My other daughter was excited to have a real baby in the house to play with. My father-in-law's response was...less welcoming. He took me for a short walk outside and asked me if this was going to be our last child. I answered in the affirmative. He said, "Good, because I don't want to have to castrate you." Ah, parents...thought in the tones of "Ahh, Paris" or "Ahh, Venice".  Even now while I'm writing, a package was just delivered by courier and the subtle hand of fate has started to block my mental processes while trying to create this page.  I think back often and wonder where my life would be if I hadn't had the surgery when I did. I seriously doubt we would've had a fourth child. My mistakes led me to where I am now. They all led to here. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I was always way too active physically to take the time and sit down and write. Now that my body is in tatters, I find the time to write often and it is comforting, distracting and relaxing. I still ache to go outside and run and play and throw a football. To play in the sun. However, it seems my life has been always leading me in this direction.  My children changed who I am. They changed me on a fundamental level. They made me want to be a better man. The first three were excellent practice and by the time four came around I had it in the bag. Completely figured out. Each has their own wonderful personality. The adults are so vastly different than when they were kids, it's hard for me to relate to them, but I'm learning. The hard part is when they go off on their own and come home as different people. Strangers. I have to get to know them again as adults. That's not an easy task for me, mostly because our visits are so short. They know me, I don't change all that much, but they are very different people.  Each one was raised under different circumstances. None are the same, but we all share memories of the past and that's where we start to come together again as family. The choices I made whether good or bad, all led me here to this moment in time. A moment that has just passed and will fall into oblivion and the realm of the forgotten. This page like so many other of my blogs will pass into the mists of time and only the information spelunkers will find it one day and enjoy a short read. A moment captured in time of a loving fallible human mortal father who gave everything he was to become the man he is and raise the children he so desperately wanted in life. Just so that he wouldn't feel alone for a while. Loneliness made me do it.  Much love and light to you and yours, X 